Beyond the Behaviour: How a Positive Systems Approach Transforms the Way We See Children
- drbobcarey
- Aug 5, 2025
- 6 min read
When a child’s behaviour is challenging, our instinct is often to zoom in—to fix, redirect, or manage it. But what if zooming out reveals something far more powerful? In Chapter 3 of What If It’s Not Just Behaviour?, Dr. Bob Carey introduces the Positive Systems Approach (PSA)—a framework that reorients how we understand, support, and uplift children who seem “stuck” in unhelpful patterns.
The Core Idea: It's Not Just the Child
At its heart, the Positive Systems Approach argues that children’s difficulties don't exist in isolation. Rather than seeing challenging behaviour as a problem within the child, PSA frames it as a systemic expression—a signal that something in the surrounding ecosystem needs attention.
This approach doesn’t ignore the child’s responsibility or agency. It simply widens the lens. The child’s struggles are viewed in the context of:
Family dynamics
Peer relationships
School environments
Cultural narratives
Historical adversity
This systemic perspective fosters empathy—and more importantly, solutions that work.
Key Concepts from Chapter 3
1. Challenge, Change, and Growth
In the Positive Systems Approach (PSA), disruptive behaviour isn't just a problem—it's a signal. It's the system’s way of saying, “Something isn’t working here.” Rather than seeing these moments as breakdowns, PSA reframes them as breakthroughs waiting to happen.
Every outburst, withdrawal, defiance, or shutdown is a doorway to insight. Why? Because behaviour is communication. And if we’re willing to listen—not just react—we gain access to what’s really going on: the emotional pain, unmet needs, systemic pressure points, or historical wounds driving the behaviour.
PSA encourages us to ask:
What growth is possible here—not just for the child, but for the adults?
What needs to shift in the environment so this behaviour isn’t necessary?
How do we help this child gain skills, connection, and confidence—rather than compliance alone?
This mindset flips the narrative. The child isn’t broken. The challenge is an invitation—to strengthen relationships, upgrade systems, and develop resilience. This is how real, sustainable growth happens: from the inside out, not top-down.
“When we change how we see children, we change how we see ourselves—and vice versa.”
For parents: Ask yourself:
What is this behaviour trying to tell me?
Is this challenge an opportunity for me to shift how I respond?
Instead of asking “How do I stop this?”—what if I asked “What is this about?”
What growth—emotional, relational, or personal—is possible for me in this moment?
2. The System Is the Client
Traditional models often zero in on the child as the "problem." PSA shifts that focus. The true client isn’t just the child—it's the whole system that surrounds them. The behaviours we see are often shaped, maintained, or even amplified by systemic dynamics.
This includes:
A caregiver’s self-doubt that leads to inconsistent boundaries
A teacher’s burnout that reduces emotional bandwidth
A peer group’s culture that rewards disruptive antics
A school’s emphasis on obedience over empathy
Rather than blaming any single piece, PSA distributes accountability across the system. That doesn’t mean no one is responsible—it means everyone is. Because behaviour emerges in context, it must be addressed in context.
This perspective empowers all stakeholders. Everyone becomes an agent of change—not just the child. And every shift in the system—no matter how small—can generate meaningful ripple effects in a child’s emotional world.
For parents: Ask yourself:
What’s going on in our home, schedule, or routines that might be adding stress?
Am I carrying guilt, self-doubt, or burnout that makes it harder to respond calmly?
Are there consistent expectations and boundaries—or is our system giving mixed messages?
Is my child responding to something in me (tension, urgency, unpredictability)?
3. Relational Capital Over Behavioural Control
Many behaviour management approaches rely on external motivators: sticker charts, point systems, rewards for “good” behaviour, consequences for “bad” ones. These tools may bring short-term order—but they don’t foster long-term change.
PSA flips the script. Instead of control, it prioritizes connection. Instead of compliance, it builds trust. This is called relational capital—and it’s the foundation for everything else.
When a child feels emotionally safe, understood, and respected, they don’t need to fight the system. They can lean into it. That’s when they start taking emotional risks, learning regulation skills, and engaging authentically.
So we stop asking, “How do we make this behaviour stop?” and instead ask:
“What does this child need to feel secure?”
“What stress is this behaviour expressing?”
“How do we respond with curiosity instead of control?”
Relational capital isn't a soft skill—it's the hardest currency in long-term change. It takes time, effort, consistency, and deep listening. But it’s how behaviour shifts from the inside out.
For parents: Ask yourself:
· Does my child feel emotionally safe with me, even when they’re struggling?
· Am I more focused on controlling their behaviour, or understanding it?
· How often do I connect with my child when things are going well—not just when correcting them?
· Am I withholding affection until they “earn” it—or showing them that my love is unconditional?
4. Parallel Processes Matter
One of the most overlooked truths in child support work is this: how adults work together has as much impact on a child’s outcomes as what they do.
The PSA puts a spotlight on parallel process—the idea that the emotional climate among adults (parents, educators, clinicians) directly shapes the emotional climate around the child.
If the adults are reactive, judgmental, or fragmented, the system becomes brittle and unpredictable. But when adults collaborate with:
Curiosity instead of certainty
Humility instead of hierarchy
Compassion instead of blame
...that emotional tone permeates everything. It creates space for children to feel safe enough to risk something different.
This isn’t just a philosophical stance—it’s a practical strategy. Want a calmer child? Build a calmer team. Want more flexibility in a student? Build more flexibility among staff. The system must model the regulation it hopes to teach.
“The way we do the work is the work.”
For parents: Ask yourself:
· Am I modelling the regulation I want to see in my child?
· Do I pause before I react—or do I bring my stress into the moment?
· How do I respond to myself when I mess up? Can I model repair and self-compassion?
· Are the adults around my child (co-parent, teachers, family) on the same page—or are we out of sync?
Final Thought
You don’t have to have all the answers right away. These questions aren’t meant to create guilt—they’re meant to create awareness. And awareness is the first step to change.
Want to take this further? Try journaling your answers. Or pick one question to reflect on during a quiet moment this week. Check out the downloadable Parent Reflection Worksheet for further support.
You're not just raising a child—you're shaping a system. And when that system becomes more connected, consistent, and compassionate, real change begins.
Real-World Case Examples
Case 1: The Explosive Student
Context: A 10-year-old boy, Malik, frequently lashes out in class—throwing chairs, screaming, refusing to follow directions.
Old Lens: He’s oppositional, maybe even conduct disordered.
PSA Lens: Team meetings reveal that Malik recently moved homes due to domestic violence. At school, he feels ignored, and previous support plans excluded his voice entirely.
Systemic Shift:
Teachers receive supervision to manage their own stress responses.
Malik helps design his own regulation plan.
Staff reflect on how school structures replicate control-based dynamics.
Outcome: Over time, Malik’s outbursts decline. He begins mentoring younger students and becomes an advocate for emotional regulation.
Case 2: The Withdrawn Girl
Context: Maya, a 13-year-old, refuses to participate in group activities and speaks only when spoken to. Teachers report she’s “invisible.”
Old Lens: She’s shy or disengaged.
PSA Lens: A closer look shows that Maya experienced chronic invalidation at home. Her silence is a coping mechanism rooted in fear of judgment.
Systemic Shift:
The school team reframes quietness not as a problem, but as communication.
A teacher begins a weekly drawing-based check-in that doesn’t require talking.
Her family is gently supported to explore emotional expression.
Outcome: Maya starts sharing her artwork publicly. Later, she volunteers to co-lead a girls’ group on anxiety and self-worth.
Why This Matters
The Positive Systems Approach doesn’t offer quick fixes. It offers sustainable transformation. It holds up a mirror to our systems, gently asking:
What are we reinforcing?
What are we ignoring?
What do our responses teach children about who they are?
When we shift from control to curiosity, from blame to belonging, everything changes—not just for the child, but for the adults walking with them.
Takeaways for Practitioners and Caregivers
Zoom out before you zoom in: Consider the whole system before focusing on the child’s behaviour.
Use behaviour as information, not a verdict.
Prioritize relationships over interventions.
Work on the climate, not just the individual.
Model the values you hope to see mirrored in the child.
Want to go deeper? Chapter 3 of What If It’s Not Just Behaviour? offers rich insights and guiding principles for those ready to shift from behavioural management to systemic empowerment. Click Below:
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