Filling the “Good Feeling Tank”: How to Use Positive Reinforcement Without Bribery
- drbobcarey
- 24 minutes ago
- 9 min read
Emphasizing Non-Contingent Reinforcement and Connection
By Dr. Bob Carey
Description
Learn how to use positive reinforcement without turning it into bribery. Dr. Bob Carey explains the concept of non-contingent reinforcement, the “Good Feeling Tank,” and how connection—not control—creates lasting behavioural change.
Keywords
positive systems approach, non-contingent reinforcement, positive parenting, Dr. Bob Carey, emotional connection, child behaviour, parenting strategies, behaviour management, filling the good feeling tank.
Introduction: Why the “Good Feeling Tank” Matters
Every child needs to feel seen, valued, and emotionally safe. When that sense of connection is full—when what I call their “Good Feeling Tank” is topped up—children are far less likely to rely on disruptive or attention-seeking behaviour. But when that tank runs low, they begin to draw attention in the only way they know how—through behaviour that demands it.
Many well-meaning parents try to refill the tank through rewards and praise linked to compliance: “If you do your homework, I’ll give you screen time,” or “You were good today, so you can have dessert.” While these tactics can sometimes work in the short term, they often backfire. The child learns that connection and approval are conditional—something they must earn rather than something that flows naturally from the relationship.
In the Positive Systems Approach (PSA), we take a very different view. We emphasize non-contingent reinforcement—the practice of giving warmth, attention, and positive interaction freely and consistently, independent of behaviour. This is not bribery; it’s connection. It’s about teaching children that they are loved, supported, and valued simply for being who they are. That emotional safety becomes the foundation on which genuine behavioural change is built.
The Problem With “If–Then” Parenting
Traditional models of reinforcement often focus on contingency: If you behave, then you get something good. This approach can easily slip into transactional relationships where compliance is rewarded and mistakes are punished. Children quickly learn to “perform” for approval, and when they can’t meet expectations, they feel shame or failure.
The Positive Systems Approach challenges that dynamic. PSA reminds us that behaviour is communication, not manipulation. When a child is defiant, clingy, or disruptive, it is rarely because they enjoy being difficult—it’s because they are missing a skill, overwhelmed by emotion, or struggling to get their needs met in an appropriate way.
If our response is to withhold positive connection until behaviour improves, we inadvertently teach them that love and attention are scarce resources. Over time, this erodes trust and fuels the very behaviours we’re trying to change.
Instead, PSA encourages parents to focus on connection first, correction second. When the emotional bond is strong and the environment feels safe, children are far more willing and able to learn new skills and regulate their emotions.
Understanding Non-Contingent Reinforcement (NCR)
Non-contingent reinforcement means providing positive attention, praise, affection, or other reinforcing experiences without requiring a specific behaviour to earn it. It’s the proactive act of saying, “I see you, I enjoy being with you, and you matter,” regardless of what the child is doing at that moment.
In practical terms, NCR might look like:
Sitting beside your child and chatting while they play.
Offering a smile, gentle touch, or brief eye contact during neutral moments.
Scheduling daily one-on-one time that isn’t tied to behaviour or performance.
Saying, “I love spending time with you,” not just “I’m proud of you for cleaning your room.”
The key distinction is that NCR is not earned—it’s given. It communicates unconditional regard and emotional availability, which fills the “Good Feeling Tank” and reduces the drive for negative attention-seeking.
Why Non-Contingent Reinforcement Works
Children who have experienced repeated correction, stress, or inconsistent parenting often develop a scarcity mindset around positive attention. They may come to believe that love or praise only comes when they perform well—or worse, when they misbehave enough to get noticed.
NCR flips this dynamic by making positive connection predictable and plentiful. In doing so, it creates several powerful outcomes:
Reduces Anxiety and Defensive Behaviour
When children know that attention is available freely, they don’t have to act out to get it. The nervous system calms, and emotional regulation improves.
Builds Trust and Safety
Predictable positive attention strengthens attachment, which is essential for cooperation and learning.
Prevents Power Struggles
Non-contingent connection takes the “control” dynamic off the table. The child no longer feels they must compete for affection or approval.
Creates a Foundation for Skill-Building
Once the emotional climate stabilizes, parents can teach coping strategies, problem-solving, and social skills more effectively.
Non-Contingent vs. Contingent Reinforcement
Contingent Reinforcement | Non-Contingent Reinforcement |
Conditional (“If you do this, then you get that.”) | Unconditional (“I’m giving this attention because you matter.”) |
Focuses on behaviour and performance | Focuses on relationship and connection |
Can create anxiety, pressure, or power struggles | Builds trust and safety |
Short-term compliance | Long-term emotional growth |
May reinforce external motivation | Builds internal motivation and self-worth |
Both types of reinforcement have a place. PSA does not reject reinforcement altogether—rather, it reframes it. Contingent reinforcement can be used strategically for skill teaching or goal setting, but non-contingent reinforcement is the baseline fuel that keeps the relationship healthy and the system balanced.
Filling the “Good Feeling Tank”
Imagine your child’s emotional well-being as a tank that needs regular refilling. Every kind word, shared laugh, or moment of connection adds a drop. Every scolding, stressful transition, or unmet need drains it a little. When the tank is full, children have the emotional resilience to handle frustration and follow directions. When it’s empty, even small demands can trigger big reactions.
Filling the tank is not about indulgence—it’s about prevention. Children who feel emotionally nourished have less reason to seek attention through disruptive means.
Here are some ways to keep that tank full:
Notice neutral moments. Offer attention when things are calm, not only when behaviour draws your focus.
Offer physical connection. Hugs, high-fives, and gentle touch communicate safety and warmth.
Use genuine praise. Comment on effort and presence, not just outcome: “I like how you’re thinking that through,”or “It’s nice being here with you.”
Establish rituals of connection. A bedtime chat, a morning walk, or a shared joke creates predictable doses of positivity.
Avoid emotional scarcity. Make sure your child doesn’t have to “earn” connection—it should be as dependable as sunlight.
When these practices become routine, your home begins to feel emotionally regulated, predictable, and safe. Behaviour often improves simply because the system itself is healthier.
Case Study 1: Rebuilding Connection with “Liam”
Adapted from Chapter 5 and related case materials from What if it’s Not Just the Behaviour?
Background
Liam, age six, was a bright and creative child whose evenings often ended in conflict. When asked to stop playing and come to dinner, he would yell, throw toys, or refuse to move. His parents, already drained from long workdays, resorted to threats, timeouts, and eventually bribes (“If you come now, you can have dessert”). These tactics worked briefly but quickly lost effectiveness.
Assessment Through the PSA Lens
Using a functional behaviour assessment, Liam’s parents discovered that his meltdowns were linked to transitions—moving from preferred to non-preferred activities. The underlying function of his behaviour was escape/avoidance, not defiance. But more importantly, they noticed that positive attention was scarce. Most of their interactions with him occurred during moments of correction or conflict.
Intervention: Non-Contingent Reinforcement
Instead of waiting for good behaviour to praise, Liam’s parents began scheduling small, frequent doses of non-contingent attention. Every afternoon, they spent ten minutes sitting with him during playtime—no instructions, no agenda. They also began acknowledging him spontaneously throughout the day: “I love watching you build things.”“It’s nice having you near me while I cook.”“You seem really focused on your project—I like that.”
They stopped using dessert or privileges as bargaining tools and instead treated connection as a given. Over two weeks, Liam’s outbursts began to decrease in both frequency and intensity. As his emotional “tank” filled, transitions became less threatening. Eventually, his parents were able to reintroduce structured expectations—such as clean-up routines—without resistance.
Key Takeaway
Connection preceded compliance. Once Liam no longer had to fight for attention, his need to avoid or control the situation diminished. The system changed, and behaviour followed.
Case Study 2: Non-Contingent Connection in Adolescence – “Maya’s Story”
Background
Maya, age thirteen, had become increasingly withdrawn and irritable. Her parents described her as “defiant” and “disrespectful.” She often ignored instructions, stayed in her room, and snapped when they tried to talk. Arguments were frequent, and attempts at reward systems (“extra phone time for cooperation”) only deepened resentment.
Reframing the Issue
Through consultation using the PSA model, Maya’s parents began to see her behaviour as communication. Beneath the defiance was emotional disconnection. Maya felt criticized and controlled, and her parents felt rejected. Both sides were operating from empty tanks.
Applying Non-Contingent Reinforcement
The family implemented what we called Connection Minutes—non-contingent, non-negotiable times of shared presence. For the first week, the goal was simply ten minutes each evening with no agenda: sitting together, watching a show, or talking about neutral topics. Praise was avoided at first; the focus was on being, not doing.
Gradually, spontaneous moments of warmth began to return. Her mother started leaving brief notes—“Love you, hope your day goes well”—without referencing behaviour. Her father offered small gestures of interest, like asking about her art rather than her grades. Over time, the emotional climate softened. Maya began volunteering to join family meals again and was more responsive to collaborative problem-solving around rules and responsibilities.
Outcome
By removing the contingency—“We’ll be nice when you behave”—and making connection unconditional, Maya’s family shifted from a cycle of power struggle to one of mutual respect. The positive attention was no longer a tool of control; it became the foundation of healing.
Common Misunderstandings About Non-Contingent Reinforcement
“I don’t want to reward bad behaviour.”
NCR is not a reward—it’s relationship maintenance. It tells the child, “You are safe with me, even when things are hard.” This emotional safety is what allows real behavioural learning to occur later.
“They’ll expect constant attention.”
When NCR is consistent and predictable, not reactive, the child actually needs less attention over time. Their internal sense of security grows, reducing attention-seeking.
“It sounds like permissiveness.”
Compassion is not the same as indulgence. Boundaries still exist; they’re simply grounded in empathy and respect rather than fear or threat.
“We don’t have time for this.”
NCR doesn’t require hours—it requires intention. Even 5–10 genuine, undistracted minutes of positive engagement can recalibrate the emotional system of a family.
How to Implement Non-Contingent Reinforcement at Home
1. Observe Before Acting. Notice when and how your child seeks attention. Identify neutral or calm moments you can use to connect before behaviour escalates.
2. Schedule Connection Time. Create predictable rituals—morning check-ins, after-school chats, bedtime reflections. Predictability builds safety.
3. Shift the Ratio. Aim for at least five positive interactions for every corrective one. This ratio helps refill the tank faster than negative moments drain it.
4. Respond to Needs, Not Just Behaviour. If your child acts out, ask yourself: What is the need beneath this behaviour—attention, rest, autonomy, reassurance? Meet the need first; address the behaviour second.
5. Involve the Whole System. Non-contingent reinforcement works best when all caregivers participate consistently. Mixed signals (“Mom gives affection freely, Dad withholds it for compliance”) can undermine progress.
6. Maintain Structure and Boundaries. NCR complements structure—it doesn’t replace it. Predictable routines, clear expectations, and calm responses are still essential parts of the system.
The Science Behind Connection
From a psychological and neurobiological standpoint, NCR taps into fundamental human needs for attachment and belonging. Positive attention triggers the release of oxytocin—the “bonding hormone”—which calms the nervous system and strengthens trust. In contrast, unpredictable or conditional attention activates the stress response, priming the child for fight-or-flight reactions.
In other words, consistent positive connection literally changes the brain. It teaches the body that safety is available, which in turn improves impulse control, learning, and emotional regulation. When the brain feels safe, the behaviour follows.
Non-Contingent Reinforcement in the Positive Systems Framework
Within the Positive Systems Approach, non-contingent reinforcement is both an individual factor and a system factor:
Individual Factor: Reinforcement & Relationship/Rapport.
The child learns that positive emotional experiences are available and reliable, independent of performance.
System Factor: Consistency & Team Health.
Caregivers coordinate their approach to ensure that positive attention is delivered predictably and across environments. The system becomes emotionally consistent, which stabilizes behaviour.
When both levels align, NCR becomes not just a parenting strategy but a systemic change—a recalibration of how the family functions as a unit.
Measuring Success
Parents often ask, “How will I know it’s working?”Here are signs that your non-contingent reinforcement efforts are taking root:
Fewer outbursts and quicker recoveries after frustration.
Increased eye contact, affection, or willingness to communicate.
Decreased attention-seeking or testing behaviour.
A calmer overall family tone.
Parents feeling more connected, not just more in control.
These indicators reflect not just improved behaviour, but a stronger emotional system.
Bringing It All Together
Positive reinforcement without bribery is about returning connection to its rightful place—at the center of the parent-child relationship. When we practice non-contingent reinforcement, we stop using attention as a bargaining chip and start using it as emotional nutrition. We stop managing behaviour in isolation and start nurturing the system that supports it.
The “Good Feeling Tank” is not filled through compliance charts or earned privileges. It’s filled through eye contact, laughter, consistency, and compassion. It’s filled when a parent says, “I’m glad you’re here,” without adding, “…because you behaved today.”
When we fill that tank regularly, we empower children to develop self-control, empathy, and resilience from a place of security—not fear. And when the family system runs on connection rather than control, everyone benefits.
Closing Reflection
Parenting through the Positive Systems Approach is not about perfection—it’s about presence. Non-contingent reinforcement reminds us that our greatest tool isn’t the sticker chart or the timeout—it’s us. Our calm, consistent, positive attention has the power to reshape the entire system.
The next time your child acts out, pause and ask yourself: “Is their Good Feeling Tank running low?”
Then, instead of withholding attention until behaviour improves, offer connection first. That single shift—from control to connection—can change not only your child’s behaviour but your entire relationship.
© Dr. Bob Carey, 2025. Adapted from concepts in What if it’s Not Just the Behaviour? A New Way to Parent with a Positive Systems Approach.
