From Surviving to Thriving: Real Parents’ Journeys with Positive Systems Parenting

Parenting a child whose behaviour disrupts daily life can feel like an unending cycle of exhaustion, guilt, and second-guessing. Yet, as Dr. Bob Carey illustrates in What if it’s Not Just the Behaviour?, the Positive Systems Approach (PSA) transforms these struggles into opportunities for connection and growth. PSA integrates the precision of Applied Behaviour Analysis (ABA) with the holistic lens of systems theory and the heart of compassionate care. It views behaviour as communication, adjusts the surrounding environment, and prioritizes reinforcement over punishment.

Below are four anonymized, real-world journeys drawn from Chapter 6 case studies. Each demonstrates how ordinary families—initially surviving—moved toward thriving through PSA principles. Their stories highlight perseverance: change unfolds gradually, but consistency yields lasting results.

Journey 1: The Morning Meltdown Family

Initial Challenge:  Sarah, a single mother of seven-year-old Liam, began each day in crisis. Liam’s refusal to dress, paired with screaming and toy-throwing, left Sarah late for work and emotionally drained. Traditional time-outs escalated the chaos; Liam’s outbursts intensified when attention followed.

PSA Intervention

• Identification (Individual Factor): Observation revealed Liam’s behaviour served an escape function—mornings overwhelmed his sensory processing.

• Environmental Adjustment (System Factor): Sarah introduced a visual schedule with picture icons and a five-minute “cozy corner” timer for transitions.

• Non-Contingent Reinforcement (Individual Factor): She delivered praise and hugs before demands arose, filling Liam’s emotional tank proactively.

• Ignore-Interrupt-Redirect-Reward (Individual Factor): When resistance began, Sarah calmly ignored the protest, interrupted with a neutral prompt (“Let’s choose socks together”), redirected to the visual chart, and rewarded engagement with a high-five.

Outcome After Six Months Mornings shifted from 45-minute battles to 15-minute routines. Liam now initiates dressing independently on most days. Sarah reports, “I stopped seeing him as defiant and started seeing him as overwhelmed. That empathy changed everything.”

Key Takeaway on Perseverance The first two weeks felt worse—Liam tested boundaries. Sarah’s commitment to the visual schedule, even on exhausting days, built predictability that reduced anxiety over time.

Journey 2: The Sibling Rivalry Household

Initial Challenge:  Mark and Elena parent nine-year-old Ava and six-year-old Noah. Ava’s aggressive responses to Noah’s intrusions—pushing, yelling—fractured family dinners and eroded Ava’s self-esteem. Punitive consequences left Ava resentful and Noah fearful.

PSA Intervention

• Systems Analysis (System Factor): The open-floor-plan home lacked clear boundaries; toys overlapped, triggering competition.

• Skill Teaching (Individual Factor): Ava learned a three-step calm-down sequence (deep breath, count to five, ask for space) via role-play during neutral times.

• Differential Reinforcement (Individual Factor): Parents praised pro-social moments (“I love how you shared the tablet”) at a 5:1 ratio over corrective feedback.

• Team Consistency (System Factor): Both parents and the after-school caregiver attended a 30-minute PSA alignment meeting weekly.

Outcome After Four Months Physical conflicts dropped 80%. Ava now uses her calm-down script independently; Noah seeks her out for cooperative play. Family dinners are conversation-filled rather than referee-required.

Key Takeaway on Perseverance Mark admits the praise ratio felt artificial at first. Tracking it on a simple chart revealed progress only after three weeks—proof that data sustains motivation when emotions lag.

Journey 3: The Anxious Adolescent

Initial Challenge:  Fourteen-year-old Jordan shut down during homework, slamming doors and refusing help. Previous grounding escalated withdrawal; Jordan’s grades plummeted alongside parental despair.

PSA Intervention

• Functional Assessment (Individual Factor): Jordan’s shutdown communicated avoidance of perceived failure.

• Environmental Structuring (System Factor): A dedicated 4–6 p.m. “focus zone” with noise-canceling headphones and a 10-minute parent check-in replaced open-ended demands.

• Skill Replacement (Individual Factor): Jordan mastered breaking assignments into 15-minute chunks with a timer and a “worry dump” journal.

• Relationship Repair (Compassionate Approach): Daily 10-minute non-contingent connection (walks, no agenda) rebuilt trust before academic discussions.

Outcome After Five Months Jordan completes 90% of assignments independently and initiates help requests. Parent-teen arguments occur weekly instead of daily. Jordan says, “I finally feel like my parents are on my team.”

Key Takeaway on Perseverance The first month yielded zero homework completion. The parents’ refusal to abandon the focus zone—coupled with journaling their own frustrations—prevented burnout and modeled emotional regulation.

Journey 4: The Blended Family Storm

Initial Challenge:  In a newly blended household, 10-year-old Mia defied her stepfather, Greg, with explosive outbursts during transitions between homes. Co-parenting misalignment amplified tension; Mia’s biological mother felt helpless.

PSA Intervention

• System Alignment (System Factor): All four adults (biological parents, step-parents) adopted identical routines and language via a shared digital calendar.

• Communication Bridge (Individual Factor): Mia co-created a “transition toolkit” (favorite playlist, snack, 5-minute warning text).

• Positive Reinforcement Cascade (Individual Factor): Greg delivered specific praise for any cooperative step (“Thank you for buckling up without reminders—that helps us all”).

• Self-Care Protocol (System Factor): Adults scheduled biweekly check-ins to process secondary trauma and prevent resentment.

Outcome After Seven Months Transitions occur with minimal protest; Mia spends voluntary time with Greg. The adults report renewed partnership. Mia notes, “I know what to expect now, so I don’t have to fight.”

Key Takeaway on Perseverance Early co-parenting meetings were tense and unproductive. Committing to neutral facilitation and celebrating micro-alignments (e.g., matching bedtime phrases) built momentum over months, not weeks.

The Common Thread: Perseverance as the Silent Engine

Each family faced setbacks—regression after vacations, illness, or parental fatigue. PSA’s emphasis on system rather than willpower sustained them: visual trackers, team check-ins, and self-compassion protocols turned perseverance from a personal virtue into a structural feature. As Dr. Carey writes in Chapter 3, “Compassionate systems outlast heroic effort.”

Dr. Bob Carey is a clinical psychologist specializing in Applied Behaviour Analysis and systems theory. His book, What if it’s Not Just the Behaviour?, is available now at:

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