What Your Teen’s Behaviour Is Really Telling You

If you’ve ever found yourself locked in a battle of wills with your teenager, you’ll probably recognize this pattern right away. Things escalate quickly, the same arguments repeat, and before you know it, you’re reacting in ways that don’t feel like your best self. Then comes the frustration—“Why does this keep happening?”—and often, quietly underneath that, a bit of self-doubt.

I was reading a recent piece in The Globe and Mail that captured this dynamic in a way that I think many parents will find both uncomfortable and oddly relieving. The story wasn’t really about a difficult teenager. It was about a parent who realized that the conflict she was having with her son wasn’t just about his behaviour—it was also about what she was bringing into the interaction.

The article centers on a common but often misunderstood reality: conflict between parents and teenagers is not just about the teen’s behaviour—it is deeply shaped by the parent’s internal experience.

It tells the story of a mother who realizes that her ongoing conflict with her teenage son is being driven in part by her own insecurities and unrealistic expectations. Rather than continuing the cycle of criticism and defensiveness, she shifts her approach by taking responsibility for her role in the conflict and expressing this openly to her son.

The article written by renowned Child Psychologist, Dr. Jillian Roberts on March 15, 2026, distills this into a simple but powerful framework—the “three A’s”:

• Accept yourself: Recognize how your own emotions, insecurities, and expectations influence your reactions.

• Accept your child: See your child beyond the behaviour, focusing on strengths and offering affirmation.

• Accept your role as a parent: Maintain boundaries and consistency, rather than reacting from guilt or frustration.

Over time, this shift reduces tension and improves the relationship—not because the teen was “fixed,” but because the relational dynamic changed. That’s a tough pill to swallow, but it’s also where real change starts.

What stood out to me is how closely this aligns with what I’ve been talking about in the Positive Systems Approach (see book entitled:  “What if it’s Not Just the Behaviour?”).   One of the core ideas in PSA is that behaviour doesn’t happen in isolation. It’s part of a system. And that system includes not just the child, but the parent, the relationship, the environment, and all the invisible emotional dynamics that sit underneath the surface.

In the article, the turning point came when the parent stopped focusing solely on her son’s behaviour and started looking inward. She realized that her own insecurities were shaping how she interpreted his actions. In PSA language, we would say she shifted from reacting to the behaviour to identifying the variables influencing the system—herself included. That’s not about blame. It’s about awareness.

When we talk about “identification” in the Positive Systems Approach, we often think about identifying the function of a child’s behaviour. But just as important is identifying what’s happening on the parent side of the equation. Are we tired? Stressed? Feeling judged? Carrying expectations that may not match where our child actually is developmentally?

Because here’s the reality: kids don’t just react to our rules. They react to our tone, our consistency, our emotional availability, and our expectations. And when those things are off—even slightly—it can create a feedback loop that fuels the very behaviour we’re trying to stop.

The article introduces the idea of accepting yourself, accepting your child, and accepting your role as a parent. If you look at that through a PSA lens, it maps almost perfectly onto the balance between individual and system factors.

Accepting yourself is about regulating your own part of the system. It’s recognizing that your reactions are influenced by your own history, stress levels, and beliefs. In PSA, we’d call that managing system variables—because when the system is dysregulated, behaviour escalates.

Accepting your child is about shifting from a deficit-based view to a strength-based one. Instead of seeing “defiance” or “attitude,” we start asking, “What’s the function of this behaviour?” and “What is my child trying to communicate right now?” That’s straight out of the PSA playbook—behaviour as communication.

And accepting your role as a parent is where structure and consistency come in. PSA is not permissive. It’s not about letting kids do whatever they want. It’s about providing clear, predictable boundaries in a way that maintains connection. When parents operate from guilt or frustration, boundaries become inconsistent. And inconsistency, as we know, is one of the fastest ways to increase disruptive behaviour.

What I appreciated most about the article is that it didn’t offer a quick fix. It didn’t say, “Here’s the one strategy that will stop your teen from arguing.” Instead, it showed something much more important: when you change the system, the behaviour often follows.  That’s the long game.

In the story, the teen didn’t suddenly transform overnight. There wasn’t a dramatic moment where everything clicked. But the tone of the relationship shifted. The tension decreased. The connection improved. And from a systems perspective, that’s exactly what we would expect. When the environment becomes more predictable, more accepting, and more relationally safe, the need for disruptive behaviour decreases.

This is something I see over and over again in my work with families. Parents come in wanting strategies to stop behaviours—yelling, defiance, shutdowns. And yes, we work on those. But the real progress happens when we step back and look at the bigger picture. What’s happening in the system? What’s being reinforced—intentionally or unintentionally? Where are the stress points? And just as importantly, where are the opportunities to build connection, consistency, and support?

Because when we shift from “How do I stop this behaviour?” to “What is this behaviour telling me about the system?” everything changes. And that’s exactly what this article captures so well. It reminds us that parenting teenagers isn’t about winning battles. It’s about understanding the system you’re both operating in—and having the courage to adjust your part of it. Not perfectly. Just intentionally. And when you do that, something interesting happens. The conflict doesn’t disappear overnight, but it becomes more manageable. More meaningful. Even, at times, a doorway into a stronger relationship. That’s not just good parenting advice. That’s positive systems thinking in action.