Beyond Bribes and Battles: The New Way to Motivate Your Kids

drbobcarey
Aug 14, 2025
4 min read

Meta Description

Discover how one family used positive reinforcement and intrinsic motivation to turn daily battles into cooperation and connection.

Background

The Martins — parents Julia and David, with their 14-year-old daughter Lily and 9-year-old son Ben — were stuck in a rut. Daily life felt like a grind of reminders, warnings, and negotiations.

Chores were a battle — Julia often found herself repeating the same requests five times before anything happened.
Homework turned into nightly standoffs between David and Lily.
Ben had begun bargaining for rewards before agreeing to even simple tasks (“I’ll do it if I can get 20 more minutes of game time”).

By the time they found the Positive Systems Approach, they were exhausted. What they thought was a “discipline problem” turned out to be a motivation problem — and their strategies for fixing it were unintentionally making things worse.

Step 1: Rethinking Rewards and Punishments

In the past, the Martins had tried:

Sticker charts for chores (worked for a week, then lost its appeal).
Screen-time trades for homework completion.
Grounding or taking away privileges when rules weren’t followed.

The problem? These approaches were transactional. The kids saw every task as a business deal, not as a personal responsibility. Once the novelty wore off, so did the compliance.

From Chapter 5 in the book: “What if it’s Not Just Behaviour”, they learned a key principle:

External motivators are like jump-starting a car — they get things going, but they won’t keep it running without an internal engine.

They began asking a different question: “How can we help our kids feel motivated from within, so they don’t need constant bribes or threats?”

Step 2: Understanding What Truly Drives Behaviour

The Martins discovered that sustainable motivation has three main drivers — often called the ABC of Intrinsic Motivation:

Autonomy – Feeling they have a choice and voice in how things get done.
- Instead of commanding, “Clean your room now,” they began saying, “Do you want to start with your desk or your clothes?”
- This small shift gave the kids a sense of control, which made them less resistant.
Competence – Feeling capable and successful.
- Lily had been overwhelmed by huge assignments, so she’d procrastinate. Julia began breaking tasks into smaller steps: “Let’s aim for two paragraphs tonight, then review together.”
- Success bred confidence — and confidence built momentum.
Relatedness – Feeling connected to others during the process.
- Ben had been told to do chores alone. They started folding laundry together, chatting or listening to music while they worked. The “togetherness” made the chore less of a burden and more of a shared activity.

Step 3: Applying Positive Reinforcement Strategically

The Martins stopped giving generic praise (“Good job”) and started giving specific, meaningful feedback:

“I noticed you stuck with that math problem even when it got hard. That’s real perseverance.”
“Thanks for wiping down the counters without being asked — that helped the whole family.”

This type of reinforcement works because:

It recognizes effort and process, not just the outcome.
It builds a child’s self-image as someone who is capable and responsible.
It avoids the trap of only noticing kids when they mess up.

Step 4: Avoiding Common Reinforcement Traps

The Martins identified three habits that had been backfiring:

Over-rewarding
- They were handing out incentives for every single expected behavior. This turned ordinary responsibilities into “pay-to-play” situations.
- Solution: Reserve tangible rewards for major goals or new habits. Use verbal acknowledgment and relational connection for daily expectations.
Mixed Signals
- Julia would say, “Great job cleaning the kitchen… but you missed a spot.”
- Solution: Separate praise from correction. First acknowledge the effort fully, then address improvements later in a calm, non-undermining way.
Delayed Recognition
- Waiting until the end of the week to acknowledge effort reduced the reinforcement’s impact.
- Solution: Give immediate, in-the-moment feedback so the brain links the positive feeling to the positive behavior.

Step 5: Building an Environment That Supports Motivation

They realized motivation is heavily influenced by the environment:

For autonomy: Let the kids choose the order of evening tasks or the soundtrack while cleaning.
For competence: Make success easier to reach — for example, Ben’s messy desk was reorganized with labeled bins so cleaning up was more straightforward.
For relatedness: Embed connection into routines, like a “family clean-up race” where they work together and then have a snack break.

These environmental changes meant they weren’t fighting uphill — the setup itself nudged the kids toward success.

Step 6: Seeing the Results

The first two weeks were bumpy. The kids tested whether the “old system” of nagging and negotiating would return. Julia and David stayed consistent with their new approach.

Within two months:

Lily began starting homework without being reminded.
Ben began doing small chores (feeding the dog, setting the table) before being asked.
Family tension eased — arguments about daily responsibilities dropped by more than half.

Most importantly, the kids began to feel ownership of their actions. They weren’t cleaning their rooms “for” a sticker or because they’d lose screen time — they were doing it because it felt good to contribute.

Key Takeaways

External rewards are tools, not long-term fuel – Use them to start momentum, but focus on building internal motivation through autonomy, competence, and relatedness.
Praise is a powerful reinforcer – But only when it’s specific, sincere, and tied to effort or progress.
Avoid turning everything into a transaction – Overuse of rewards can create dependency.
Your environment shapes motivation – Make it easier to succeed and connect while doing tasks.
Consistency beats intensity – Sustainable motivation comes from steady, predictable reinforcement, not occasional bursts of effort.

This case study shows that when families shift from “getting kids to do things” toward “helping kids want to do things,” not only does behavior improve, but relationships grow stronger. Motivation becomes a shared value, not a bargaining chip.

Download this Parent Reflection Worksheet to help reflect on what you might do better motivating your kids!