Brains Under Construction: How Executive Functioning Affects Children's Behaviour

By Dr. Bob Carey

Introduction: When Behaviour Isn’t Just Behaviour

Every parent has been there. You tell your child to clean their room, and ten minutes later they’re building a pillow fort, having completely forgotten the task. Or you ask them to stop hitting their sibling, and they promise, “Okay”… only to repeat the behaviour minutes later.

It’s tempting to see this as defiance or disrespect. But often, it’s something deeper: a brain still under construction. Specifically, the part responsible for executive functioning — the mental skills that help us plan, focus, manage emotions, and control impulses. These skills aren’t fully developed until a person’s mid-20s, and for many children, gaps in executive functioning explain behaviours that look like defiance, forgetfulness, or lack of motivation.

The Positive Systems Approach (PSA) invites us to step back. Instead of asking “What’s wrong with this child?”, we ask: “What skills are still developing, and what supports does this child need?” That shift changes everything.

What Is Executive Functioning?

Think of executive functioning as the CEO of the brain. It’s the part that helps us:

• Pay attention

• Control impulses

• Plan ahead

• Follow through

• Solve problems

• Manage time

• Remember what we’re supposed to be doing【8:0†Source.file】

These skills live in the prefrontal cortex, the “control center” behind the forehead. And here’s the catch: this part of the brain is still under construction well into young adulthood. That means it’s developmentally normal for children to struggle with self-control, organization, or big emotions. But for some kids, the gaps are wider, and the struggles show up as challenging behaviour.

How Executive Functioning Gaps Show Up as Behaviour

When the brain’s “brakes” are still developing, behaviours often come out faster than thinking. Here are some common ways executive functioning deficits affect children:

1. Poor Impulse Control

Your child knows they shouldn’t grab the toy—but the part of their brain that’s supposed to say “wait” is underpowered. The behaviour happens before the thinking does.

2. Short Attention Span

They miss instructions, forget what they were supposed to do, or get sidetracked. Frustration builds on both sides, often ending in an emotional blowup.

3. Weak Planning and Organization

Homework gets lost. Transitions between activities become battlegrounds. Multi-step tasks feel overwhelming, so instead of asking for help, they shut down or act out.

4. Low Frustration Tolerance

Without a strong “backup plan” in the brain, setbacks lead to meltdowns. It’s not manipulation—it’s the absence of skills to cope with disappointment.

5. Emotional Reactivity

Children with executive functioning challenges often lack an internal “cool down” system. Big feelings spill out quickly and intensely.

Why Punishment Alone Doesn’t Work

Traditional discipline assumes that children misbehave because they won’t behave. But for kids with executive function struggles, the problem is often that they can’t — at least not yet.

That’s why yelling, grounding, or taking privileges away doesn’t stick. The behaviour isn’t a will problem, it’s a skill problem. What these children need is coaching, structure, and systems that help their developing brains practice and grow.

The Positive Systems Approach: Building the Right Supports

The Positive Systems Approach (PSA) flips the script. Instead of blaming the child, we support the system around the child. PSA asks:

• Is this behaviour a skill problem or a will problem?

• Does the environment (home, school, routines) make it easier or harder for this child to succeed?

• What supports or tools are missing from the system?

With PSA, we stop reacting to behaviour and start strengthening the child’s ecosystem—emotional support, coaching, external tools, and consistent structure.

Practical Strategies for Parents

Here are concrete ways to put PSA into practice with children whose brains are still under construction:

1. Shift from Punishment to Coaching

Instead of: “Why can’t you just focus?!”Try: “I see you’re having a hard time with this—let’s break it into steps.”

This isn’t excusing behaviour. It’s recognizing the brain needs guidance, not just discipline.

2. Use External Supports

Think of visual schedules, reminders, checklists, alarms, or step-by-step instructions as training wheels for the brain. They aren’t crutches—they’re supports until the brain’s internal systems get stronger.

3. Pre-Teach, Don’t Just React

Before challenging situations (birthday parties, homework time, transitions), talk through expectations. Give your child a plan before their emotions take over.

4. Celebrate Progress, Not Perfection

Growth in executive functioning is slow and uneven. Some days your child will surprise you. Other days, they’ll forget everything you taught them. That’s not failure—it’s practice.

5. Create Developmentally Appropriate Supports

• Ages 2–6: Focus on co-regulation. Use visuals, simple language, and “calm corners.”

• Ages 7–11: Use peer influence positively (group rewards, buddy systems).

• Ages 12–14: Expect pushback as they seek independence—teach negotiation and compromise.

• Ages 15–18: Connect supports to real-world goals like jobs, sports, or college.

Case Example: David’s Homework Battles

David, a bright 10-year-old, struggled with homework every night. Papers went missing, meltdowns erupted, and family conflict escalated. At first, it looked like laziness or defiance. But the real issue? Executive functioning deficits in planning and organization.

Using PSA, David’s parents and teacher reframed the problem:

• His behaviour wasn’t defiance—it was communication. He was overwhelmed.

• They introduced supports: a homework checklist, short work chunks with breaks, and a token reward system.

• They coached strategies: how to start (“just do one problem”), how to ask for help, and how to manage frustration.

The result: less conflict, more independence, and a child who felt understood instead of shamed.

Emotional Regulation and Executive Functioning

Executive functioning isn’t just about tasks—it’s about emotions. The prefrontal cortex (the “coach”) develops slowly, while the amygdala (the “security guard” or emotional engine) matures early. That’s why kids often react with big feelings before they can regulate.

PSA recognizes this imbalance and encourages parents to:

• Model calm coping: Show children what it looks like to pause and breathe.

• Teach emotional vocabulary: Help them name feelings (“angry,” “frustrated,” “disappointed”).

• Build co-regulation: Stay present when they melt down, so they can borrow your calm until they can find their own.

Risk and Protective Factors

Executive function challenges don’t exist in isolation. Children’s behaviour is shaped by their environment:

• Risk factors: Trauma, poverty, family stress, and inconsistent discipline all strain executive functioning and increase disruptive behaviours.

• Protective factors: Strong adult relationships, positive peer groups, and access to mental health support buffer children and strengthen resilience.

The PSA helps parents zoom out and ask: What parts of the system can we strengthen to support this child’s brain growth?

Tools for Reflection

At the end of my book, you’ll find the Executive Functioning & Behaviour Questionnaire. It’s a reflective tool for parents to see if their child’s behaviours might be linked to executive function struggles. By identifying patterns, you can shift from blaming behaviour to building skills.

Final Takeaways for Parents

• Your child’s brain is still under construction. Struggles with impulse control, focus, or planning are signs of development, not defiance.

• Executive functioning is a skill set. Like riding a bike, it requires time, practice, and support.

• PSA helps you zoom out. Stop asking, “What’s wrong with my child?” and start asking, “What supports are missing from the system?”

• Coaching beats punishing. Build skills, scaffold with tools, and celebrate progress.

• Behaviour is communication. Look beneath the surface to see what your child’s brain is asking for.

When we adopt a Positive Systems Approach, we stop seeing “bad kids” and start seeing kids with brains under construction—kids who need scaffolding, not shame. That shift creates not just better behaviour, but stronger relationships and brighter futures.