Understanding Children Better: Why Big Feelings Look Like “Bad Behaviour”
- drbobcarey
- Sep 2
- 7 min read
Dr. Bob Carey
Parenting is full of moments that test us. You tell your child it’s time for dinner, and they throw themselves on the floor screaming. You ask them to put on their shoes, and suddenly you’re in the middle of a shouting match that rivals a courtroom drama. Or maybe your child lashes out physically—hitting, biting, or throwing—when things don’t go their way.
It’s easy in those moments to think: Why is my child being so difficult? Why can’t they just listen? But here’s the crucial shift: what looks like “bad behaviour” is often your child’s way of saying, “I’m overwhelmed and I don’t know how to handle these feelings.”
This post is about seeing those outbursts differently—not as defiance, not as manipulation, but as big feelings spilling out of a small body that doesn’t yet have the tools to cope. And more importantly, it’s about how you, as a parent, can help.
The Truth About “Bad Behaviour”
Children aren’t born knowing how to manage frustration, sadness, or fear. Their brains are still wiring up the part that allows them to hit the brakes, think before reacting, and calm down after getting upset. Neuroscience shows us that the prefrontal cortex—the area responsible for impulse control and self-regulation—doesn’t fully mature until the mid-20s. In contrast, the amygdala, the part of the brain that sounds the alarm and drives big emotions, is active and powerful from a very young age.
Imagine your child’s brain as a car with a strong engine but weak brakes. When something sets them off—a sibling taking a toy, being told “no,” or facing a transition they don’t like—the engine roars, and the brakes can’t always stop the emotional crash. What comes out looks like defiance, aggression, or tantrums. But underneath, it’s really about being overwhelmed.
This doesn’t excuse the behaviour, but it explains it. And when we understand what’s really happening, we can stop fighting the child and start helping them.
Moving Beyond Control: The Positive Systems Approach
For generations, parenting advice leaned heavily on control. Consequences. Punishments. Reward charts. While these can sometimes bring short-term compliance, they rarely teach children the skills they need to manage their emotions in the long run. And worse, they can fuel power struggles, resentment, and guilt on both sides.
That’s where the Positive Systems Approach (PSA) comes in. (see book link below):
PSA is the framework I developed after years of working with children and families struggling with disruptive behaviour. At its heart, PSA rests on three principles:
Behaviour is communication. Every outburst is sending a message.
Systems matter. Instead of looking at the child in isolation, we look at the environment, relationships, and routines that surround them.
Teaching beats punishing. The long-term solution is not fear of consequences, but building skills in emotional regulation, problem-solving, and communication.
PSA helps parents step out of the endless loop of “bad behaviour → punishment → more bad behaviour” and instead create a family system where kids feel understood, supported, and equipped with healthier ways to cope.
A Real Story: Liam at the Dinner Table
Liam was a bright, imaginative six-year-old whose parents dreaded dinner every night. As soon as they asked him to stop playing and come to the table, chaos erupted. Toys flew. Voices rose. Tears flowed—sometimes his, sometimes theirs.
At first glance, Liam’s parents thought he was being stubborn or disrespectful. But when they began looking through the PSA lens, they saw a different story. The pattern was clear: meltdowns always came during transitions. Playtime to dinnertime. Screen time to homework. The function of his behaviour was to delay or avoid the shift from something fun to something less appealing. And, without meaning to, his parents were reinforcing it by giving him extra playtime or negotiating to avoid the storm.
Together, we made a plan. We built a visual schedule so Liam could see his day laid out. We added countdown warnings before transitions, giving his brain time to adjust. We gave him small choices—“Would you like to bring your red car or your blue car to the table?”—so he felt some control. And most importantly, his parents practiced praising him the moment he managed even a small, calm transition.
Within weeks, the nightly battles faded. Dinner became less of a war zone and more of a family gathering again. The difference wasn’t magic—it was system change.
A Morning with Maya
Maya, age nine, was a different case. Every morning, her house rang with slammed doors and angry voices. Clothes didn’t fit right. Shoes were uncomfortable. Brushing her hair was a battlefield. By the time her parents dropped her at school, everyone was exhausted and angry.
Here again, PSA helped uncover the real issue. The problem wasn’t Maya’s “attitude.” It was the system. Mornings were rushed, unpredictable, and stressful. There was no structure, no routine, and very little calm. For Maya, who already felt anxious about school, the chaos sent her over the edge.
Her parents built a new morning system. Clothes and backpacks were prepared the night before. A visual checklist reminded Maya what to do next, without her parents having to nag. And instead of racing out the door, they carved out a five-minute “calm ritual” before leaving—listening to a favorite song together.
The explosions didn’t disappear overnight, but within a month the difference was remarkable. Maya felt more in control. Her parents felt less like drill sergeants. And mornings, while not perfect, became manageable.
What These Stories Teach Us
Both Liam and Maya remind us of a central truth: what looks like bad behaviour is often a signal of emotional overload or system failure. The key is not to punish the signal, but to change the system and teach new skills.
When parents use the Positive Systems Approach, they stop asking, “How do I make my child behave?” and start asking, “What is my child’s behaviour telling me, and how can I help them cope better?”
Shifting How We Respond
When your child melts down, your instinct may be to shut it down quickly—raise your voice, issue a consequence, send them away. But PSA invites you to pause. What’s happening underneath this behaviour? Is your child tired, hungry, anxious, overstimulated? Is the routine chaotic? Is the environment too noisy or unpredictable?
By zooming out, you can begin to see the behaviour as communication. A tantrum over the wrong colour cup may actually be about a day filled with transitions. Aggression toward a sibling may be about needing attention or struggling with frustration tolerance. The behaviour is the message, not the problem.
From there, the focus shifts to teaching. Instead of punishing a child for yelling, we help them practice saying, “I need a break.” Instead of punishing for throwing, we teach safe ways to let out anger—like hitting a pillow or squeezing a stress ball. Instead of escalating with them, we model calm breathing, problem-solving, and emotional vocabulary.
This takes time. It takes consistency. But over weeks and months, children learn. And families find themselves less in conflict and more in connection.
Reflection for Parents
Understanding your child begins with understanding yourself. Before you can change how you respond, it helps to pause and reflect. Consider:
What behaviours in your child push your buttons most?
When do these behaviours tend to show up—are there patterns?
How do you usually respond? Which responses calm the situation, and which make it worse?
What’s the emotional climate in your home right now—calm, tense, chaotic, supportive?
What small change could you try this week to move your family system in a more positive direction?
Taking even fifteen minutes to reflect on these questions can provide clarity and help you set realistic goals for your parenting journey.
Building Your Toolbox: Practical Strategies
Parents often ask me, “Okay, but what do I do when my child is in the middle of a tantrum?”
Here are some guiding principles drawn from PSA:
Stay calm and model regulation. Your child’s nervous system mirrors yours. When you breathe slowly, speak softly, and keep your body language relaxed, you show them how to self-regulate.
Create predictable routines. Many outbursts stem from anxiety about what’s coming next. Visual schedules, countdown warnings, and consistent rituals can reduce the unknowns.
Offer choices within boundaries. Giving your child small, limited choices helps them feel some control without giving up structure.
Teach emotional language. Name feelings for your child—“You seem frustrated” or “That looks disappointing”—so they can begin to put words to their inner world.
Practice coping skills when calm. Don’t wait for the storm to teach new skills. Practice breathing, calm corners, or problem-solving during quiet moments so they’re ready to use when emotions run high.
Flood them with positive attention. Notice and praise small steps in the right direction. Many children with a history of conflict are starved for positive reinforcement. The more you “catch them being good,” the more they’ll repeat those behaviours.
Above all, stay consistent. If one parent responds with calm coaching and the other with harsh punishment, the child receives mixed messages. For PSA to work, all caregivers need to be aligned.
Closing Thoughts
Every tantrum, every outburst, every defiant “no” is an opportunity. An opportunity to understand your child better, to build trust, and to teach skills that will serve them for life.
When you reframe behaviour as communication and commit to teaching instead of punishing, you change not only your child’s trajectory but the emotional climate of your entire family.
The Positive Systems Approach isn’t a quick fix. It’s a shift—a way of seeing your child not as a problem to be controlled but as a person to be understood, supported, and guided. And when that shift happens, families move from chaos to connection, from conflict to growth.
So next time your child erupts, take a breath and remind yourself: This isn’t bad behaviour. This is a big feeling. And together, we can handle it.
📄 Next Steps for Parents:
Please feel free to access these two downloadable resources for you to use at home:
A Parent Reflection Worksheet—to help you map out your child’s behaviours, your current responses, and your hopes moving forward.
A Practical Strategies Handout—a simple, parent-friendly guide to keep on the fridge or in your pocket when big feelings show up.
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