The Ignore, Interrupt, Redirect, Reward Dance: A Parent’s Secret Weapon

Parenting is often described as the toughest job in the world. When your child explodes in anger, refuses to listen, or gets stuck in a cycle of escalating behaviour, it can feel like nothing works. Traditional strategies—time-outs, lectures, punishments—often backfire. Instead of solving the problem, they fuel it, leaving both parent and child frustrated and disconnected.

But what if there was a simple, structured method that could stop escalation in its tracks, teach new behaviours, and strengthen your relationship with your child? That’s where the

Ignore, Interrupt, Redirect, Reward (IIRR) Dance comes in. Rooted in the Positive Systems Approach (PSA), this method is more than a quick fix—it’s a powerful parenting tool that reshapes how we respond to disruptive behaviour.

This blog will walk you through what the IIRR Dance is, why it works, and how to put it into practice. Along the way, you’ll see two case studies—one at home and one at school—that show the strategy in action.

Why Traditional Discipline Often Fails

When children act out, most parents instinctively react with correction: scolding, punishing, or imposing consequences. The problem? Negative attention still counts as attention. For a child craving connection or struggling with emotional regulation, even angry engagement reinforces the behaviour.

Worse still, punishment teaches children what not to do but rarely shows them what to do instead. Over time, this cycle builds resentment, power struggles, and feelings of failure on both sides.

The IIRR Dance flips the script. Instead of punishing bad behaviour, it replaces it with a better option, rewards success, and avoids fueling the escalation.

Breaking Down the IIRR Dance

The IIRR Dance has four parts, and like any good dance, they flow into each other with rhythm and intention.

1. Ignore (but not the child)

The first move is counterintuitive: stop feeding the negative behaviour with attention. That doesn’t mean ignoring your child as a person. It means withholding reactions—no arguing, no scolding, no pleading—when the behaviour is meant to draw attention or gain control.

Why it works: Children quickly learn that yelling, whining, or defiance no longer achieves the payoff of parental engagement.

2. Interrupt

Next, you calmly but firmly break the behaviour’s momentum. This can be as simple as changing your tone, giving a clear instruction, or using a pre-arranged cue. The interruption should be short, neutral, and free of emotion.

Why it works: Interrupting prevents the behaviour from spiraling. It signals a shift without escalating conflict.

3. Redirect

Once you’ve stopped the momentum, give your child something else to do—a positive, appropriate activity that replaces the behaviour. This could mean handing them a new task, shifting to a calmer activity, or offering an alternative way to express their feelings.

Why it works: Redirection shows children not just what to stop, but what to start. It builds skills while diffusing tension.

4. Reward

The final step is the glue: catch them being good. As soon as your child engages in the redirected activity, you provide immediate positive reinforcement. That could be verbal praise (“I love how you calmed down so quickly”), a high-five, or extra playtime later.

Why it works: Rewarding appropriate behaviour strengthens it. Children begin to see that positive actions get positive results.

When done consistently, this sequence reshapes behaviour over time. The dance becomes a rhythm children anticipate: negative behaviour won’t work, but positive behaviour will.

Case Study #1: Liam at Home

Background: Liam, age 6, is imaginative and energetic. But every evening, transitioning from playtime to dinner triggered meltdowns—yelling, throwing toys, or hiding under the table. His parents often ended up negotiating, offering treats, or giving him “just five more minutes.” Unintentionally, they were rewarding his disruptive behaviour.

Applying the IIRR Dance:

• Ignore: Instead of scolding or pleading when Liam shouted, his parents stopped reacting to the outbursts.

• Interrupt: They introduced a calm, consistent cue—a gentle tap on the shoulder followed by, “Dinner time now.”

• Redirect: Instead of demanding immediate compliance, they offered a simple choice: “Do you want to carry your toy car to the table, or help set the napkins?”

• Reward: When Liam complied, they praised him warmly: “You made a great choice. Thanks for coming so quickly.”

Results: Within weeks, the meltdowns decreased. Dinner transitions became smoother because Liam learned that tantrums got him nowhere, while cooperation earned him attention and praise. The household atmosphere shifted from chaos to calm predictability.

Case Study #2: Chloe at School

Background: Chloe, age 9, often disrupted her classroom by blurting out jokes and distracting peers. Her teacher’s corrections—stern reminders, warnings, even loss of privileges—only seemed to fuel her behaviour. Chloe basked in the attention of both peers and adults, even if it was negative.

Applying the IIRR Dance:

• Ignore: The teacher stopped engaging with Chloe’s interruptions during lessons, giving her no airtime.

• Interrupt: She used a quiet hand signal they had agreed on privately. This allowed Chloe to recognize the behaviour without public shaming.

• Redirect: Chloe was given a constructive outlet: jotting down her funny thoughts in a “joke journal” to share later during free time.

• Reward: Each time Chloe redirected successfully, she earned points toward sharing a few jokes at the end of the day with the class. Praise was specific and immediate: “Thanks for saving that for joke time—you’re building great self-control.”

Results: Chloe’s disruptions decreased dramatically. She still felt seen and valued, but through a positive system that gave her the attention she craved without derailing the class. Her classmates admired her creativity, and she began to build pride in her ability to wait for the right time to shine.

Common Questions About the IIRR Dance

Isn’t ignoring my child mean or dismissive?No. You’re not ignoring your child—you’re ignoring the behaviour that isn’t serving them. The relationship remains intact; in fact, it grows stronger when you stop fueling conflict.

Isn’t this just bribery?Bribery is rewarding bad behaviour to stop it. The IIRR Dance is different: you withhold rewards until your child chooses a positive replacement behaviour, then reinforce that choice. It’s skill-building, not bribery.

What if my child escalates even more when I ignore them?That’s called an extinction burst. It’s common when a behaviour that used to “work” suddenly doesn’t. Stay consistent. The escalation fades when children learn the old behaviour is truly ineffective.

How do I stay calm in the moment?Preparation is key. Decide ahead of time what your interruption cue and redirection options will be. Practice with your child when they’re calm. And remember—your calm is contagious.

Why the IIRR Dance Works

The power of the IIRR Dance lies in its alignment with how children learn:

• Behaviour is communication. Children act out because they want or need something. IIRR replaces negative communication with positive communication.

• Reinforcement drives learning. Kids repeat what works. When only positive behaviours earn rewards, they shift toward them.

• Systems shape behaviour. Instead of isolating the child as “the problem,” IIRR adjusts the environment and the adult’s response, breaking the cycle of escalation.

This approach doesn’t just stop meltdowns or disruptions. It teaches children emotional regulation, decision-making, and self-control. Just as importantly, it preserves the parent-child bond by keeping interactions calm, consistent, and compassionate.

Practical Tips for Parents

• Pick your battles. Use IIRR for behaviours that are safe to ignore. Dangerous behaviours require immediate intervention.

• Stay consistent. If you sometimes ignore and sometimes engage, the behaviour will persist.

• Collaborate. If both parents or multiple caregivers are involved, agree on cues and redirections ahead of time.

• Celebrate small wins. Praise and reward even small steps in the right direction. Success builds on success.

• Be patient. Change takes time. Expect setbacks. Stick with the dance.

Free Download - IIRR Worksheet for Parents

IIRR worksheet format pdf.pdf

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Final Thoughts

The Ignore, Interrupt, Redirect, Reward Dance is more than a technique—it’s a mindset shift. It moves parents from reacting to teaching, from conflict to connection. By practicing this simple four-step rhythm, you create an environment where disruptive behaviours lose their power, and positive behaviours take root.

Parenting is never perfect, and no strategy works like magic. But with the IIRR Dance, you have a proven, practical tool that can transform daily battles into opportunities for growth—for your child, and for you.