When Bullying Looks Like Bad Behaviour: A Parent’s Guide to Understanding and Responding with a Positive Systems Approach

Introduction: More Than Just Acting Out

If your child is lashing out, withdrawing, or constantly challenging you, it can feel frustrating, even overwhelming. But here’s something most parents aren’t told: sometimes what looks like bad behaviour is actually a sign that your child is hurting. And one of the most common, silent causes? Bullying.

This guide will walk you through how bullying can affect your child emotionally and show up as disruptive behaviour, and how the Positive Systems Approach (PSA) gives you practical tools to identify what’s really going on and respond in ways that truly help.

Bullying Hurts More Than Feelings

Bullying isn't just kids being mean. It's repeated harm—verbal, social, or physical—that can shake a child’s confidence, safety, and sense of worth. Your child might not tell you what’s going on, but you might notice:

·       Sudden anger or emotional meltdowns

·       Avoiding school or social situations

·       Trouble sleeping or eating

·       Being unusually quiet or irritable

They may not have the words to say "I’m being bullied." But their behaviour is trying to tell you something important.

And bullying is more common than many parents realize:

• According to UNESCO, nearly 1 in 3 students globally has been bullied by their peers at school at least once in the last month.

• In the U.S., data from the National Center for Educational Statistics shows that about 20% of students ages 12-18 report being bullied.

• Children who are bullied are more than twice as likely to experience symptoms of depression and anxiety and are at greater risk for self-harm and suicidal ideation.

The effects of bullying can also disrupt developmental milestones, interfere with learning, and increase the likelihood of behavioural and emotional disorders.

Why Kids Act Out Instead of Speaking Up

When children don’t feel safe or don’t know how to express what’s going on, they often act out. You might see:

• Explosions over small things

• Aggression toward siblings or pets

• Constant arguing or defiance

• Shutting down or refusing to engage

It’s easy to think they’re just being difficult. But many times, it’s not about defiance—it’s about pain, fear, or shame they don’t know how to process.

Why Traditional Discipline Doesn’t Work Here

Grounding, scolding, and timeouts may stop the behaviour for a moment, but they don’t address the real problem. For a child who’s hurting, punishment often makes things worse. It sends the message: "Your big feelings aren’t safe here."

What your child needs instead is structure, safety, and connection. That’s where the Positive Systems Approach comes in.

What is the Positive Systems Approach (PSA)?

Created by Dr. Bob Carey, PSA is a parenting method that shifts focus from control to connection. It helps you understand the reasons behind your child’s behaviour and gives you tools to respond with clarity and compassion.

Instead of asking, "How do I stop this behaviour?" PSA encourages you to ask, "What is my child trying to tell me?"

Let’s break it down into five key steps you can use at home:

1. Look Beneath the Surface

This is the cornerstone of the PSA and ties directly to its first component: Identification. Before we can change behaviour, we need to understand it. In PSA, this means recognizing that all behaviour is communication—a signal that something deeper is going on.

So what does that mean for you as a parent?

It means becoming a detective, not a disciplinarian. If your child is acting out, ask:

• Is this behaviour new, or has it been building?

• Does it happen in specific settings (e.g., before school, after a playdate, or when certain people are around)?

• Could my child be responding to bullying, exclusion, or another social stressor?

PSA recommends doing a simple Functional Behaviour Assessment (don’t worry, it’s easier than it sounds). Just observe and jot down the ABCs:

• Antecedent: What happened right before the behaviour?

• Behaviour: What exactly did your child do?

• Consequence: What happened afterward, and how did others respond?

Over a few days, patterns will emerge. Maybe your child explodes every time they return from school. That might be your first clue that something’s going wrong during the day, possibly with a peer.

You can also ask broader questions that tie into PSA's holistic identification process:

• Has there been a big life change (move, divorce, death, new sibling)?

• Has my child experienced any physical discomfort, sleep changes, or frequent complaints about headaches or stomach aches (often signs of stress)?

• Are they struggling with any learning challenges that could be undermining their confidence?

The more you understand what drives the behaviour, the better equipped you are to support your child.

PSA is clear: don’t just ask what your child did. Try to figure out why they did it. That shift in thinking is powerful. It turns the behaviour from a battle into a clue. And it transforms you from a punisher into a partner.

2. Flood Them With the Good Stuff

This PSA component is all about Reinforcement—but not the way traditional reward systems use it. Instead of sticker charts or rigid praise for specific behaviors, this is about restoring your child's sense of connection and worth through consistent, meaningful positive interactions.

Children who have been bullied or feel unsafe often operate with a deficit of positive attention. They may expect criticism or rejection and brace for it. PSA teaches that in order to shift this mindset and rebuild trust, we must "flood" them with what they’ve been missing: encouragement, empathy, and attention that is not tied to perfect performance.

Here’s how to make reinforcement work in your everyday parenting:

·       Notice effort, not just outcomes. Did your child take a deep breath instead of yelling? That’s worth acknowledging. Say, "I saw you pause before answering. That was really mature."

·       Use proximity praise. Just sitting next to you without conflict? Let them know. "It’s nice just having you here beside me."

·       Recognize attempts to connect, even if messy. If they storm into the room to complain, underneath might be a need for connection. You can say, "Sounds like you’re upset and want me to hear you. I’m here."

·       Celebrate small wins. "You brought your plate to the sink without being asked—that’s awesome."

·       Use warmth without condition. Say "I love being your parent," even on the hard days.

The key is repetition. Children who’ve been burned by peers or misunderstood by adults need dozens of positive interactions to trust again. Think of reinforcement as emotional oxygen—it fuels their resilience and lets them know they matter.

And remember, this isn’t about ignoring unacceptable behaviour. It’s about restoring the relationship and reducing the need for those behaviours in the first place.

When you lead with warmth and appreciation, you shift the emotional climate. You create a space where your child feels valued—not because they’re perfect, but because they’re human, and because you see them trying.

3. Change What You Can in Their Environment

This part of PSA corresponds with the principle of Change—not change directed at the child, but change aimed at the systems around them. PSA challenges the idea that children are the sole cause of behavioural disruptions. Instead, it asks us to look at how their environment or people around them might be failing them.

When children are bullied or overwhelmed, certain settings can trigger anxiety, defensiveness, or outbursts. The PSA approach encourages parents to step back and ask: what in my child’s world needs to shift?

Here’s how to apply the Change principle at home:

·       Look at daily stress points. Is your child melting down every morning before school? Consider what parts of the morning routine might feel rushed, chaotic, or emotionally charged. Can you wake up ten minutes earlier? Play calming music? Prepare clothes and lunch the night before?

·       Review supervision and transitions. Are there times when your child is left alone with peers who might be unkind? Do transitions—like leaving school, arriving home, or shifting to homework—consistently lead to friction? Adding structure or supervision to those times can reduce stress.

·       Adjust physical spaces. Sometimes, even where your child sits during dinner, does homework, or plays can impact their regulation. Is their environment overstimulating or isolating? Can you create a "cool-down" corner where they can safely decompress?

·       Collaborate with school or caregivers. PSA isn’t only about changing the home—it's about aligning all environments. If bullying is happening at school or during extracurriculars, talk to the adults involved. Ask for more adult presence, peer support strategies, or a buddy system during recess.

·       Reinforce predictability. Children thrive when they know what to expect. Posting a simple daily schedule, using visual cues, or giving countdown warnings before transitions helps them feel safe and in control.

PSA’s message is clear: rather than react to the child’s behaviour, adjust the setting that’s shaping it. By redesigning the environment to reduce stress and increase support, you’re not just managing behaviour—you’re creating a foundation where healthy behaviour can emerge naturally.

4. Teach the Skills They Didn't Get From Bullying

This part of PSA relates directly to the principle of Coping. Children who are bullied often don’t just suffer emotional harm—they also miss out on opportunities to learn and practice healthy coping strategies. When fear, exclusion, or aggression dominate their daily experiences, they begin to rely on reactive behaviors like avoidance, aggression, or shutdowns.

As parents, our job is to help them relearn—or learn for the first time—how to manage big feelings, express their needs, and solve problems constructively.

Here’s how to use PSA to teach coping skills effectively:

·       Model emotional literacy. Start with helping your child name what they’re feeling. Say things like, "You seem frustrated," or "That looks like disappointment." Give them a language for their inner world.

·       Practice calming techniques. Teach and practice simple tools like deep breathing, counting to ten, using a fidget toy, or taking a break. Do it together when they’re calm, so they’re ready to use it when upset.

·       Build problem-solving scripts. Role-play common challenges: what to say when someone is mean, how to ask for help, or how to walk away from conflict. The more you rehearse, the more confident they’ll feel.

·       Praise the process, not perfection. When your child makes a small step toward handling a hard situation differently—like using words instead of yelling—acknowledge the effort: "That was a brave choice. You stayed calm even though it was hard."

·       Normalize mistakes. Coping is a skill, not a switch. When your child messes up, treat it as a learning moment: "What do you think you could try next time? Let’s figure it out together."

·       Create a toolkit. Keep calming or coping tools easily accessible. This might be a sensory box, emotion cards, a feelings journal, or a list of strategies posted on the fridge.

Coping isn’t about eliminating stress—it’s about teaching your child how to handle it with growing confidence. When you invest in building these skills, you’re not just reducing difficult behavior. You’re equipping your child with tools they’ll use for a lifetime. Check out the downloadable Coping Tookit you can stick up on your fridge!

Printable Coping Toolkit for Kids.pdf

Download PDF • 120KB

5. Get Everyone on the Same Page

The PSA principle of “Consistency” is critical.   If one parent is calm and the other is reactive, or school is supportive but home is strict, your child will feel confused and unsafe.

Talk to teachers, caregivers, and family members. Share your plan. Use the same words, expectations, and consequences across the board.

Example: Instead of yelling, everyone uses the same calm script: "I see you're upset. Let's take a breath together."

Real-Life Example: Liam's Story

Liam, age 10, kept getting into fights at lunch. He was labeled "aggressive."

But a closer look revealed he was being taunted every day by older boys. He didn’t have the words to explain, so he used his fists.

With PSA:

• Adults increased supervision and stepped in early.

• Liam got a buddy to eat with.

• He learned how to walk away and ask for help.

• Everyone praised his efforts to manage anger.

The fights stopped. Not because he was punished, but because he was understood, supported, and taught better tools.

What You Can Expect When You Use PSA

When you apply the Positive Systems Approach at home, you may notice:

• Fewer meltdowns and outbursts

• A stronger, more open relationship with your child

• More calm, even in tough moments

• Your child expressing emotions instead of exploding

It’s not a quick fix. But it is a lasting one.

Final Thoughts: You Are the System

Your child’s behaviour is not about failure—yours or theirs. It’s a signal that something needs to change. With the Positive Systems Approach, you become the safe base they need to heal, grow, and thrive.

So next time your child acts out, ask yourself:

• What might they be trying to tell me?

• How can I make them feel safer and more understood right now?

Because when you look past the behaviour, you start seeing the child. And that changes everything.