What If It’s Not Just the Behaviour? Rethinking Parenting with the Positive Systems Approach
- drbobcarey
- Jul 1
- 5 min read
By Dr. Bob Carey
If you're reading this, chances are you're a parent who's been pushed to the edge more times than you'd like to admit. Maybe your child’s tantrums come out of nowhere. Maybe the yelling, the defiance, the endless power struggles feel like a daily routine. Or maybe you're just tired—tired of repeating yourself, tired of being blamed, and tired of not having real answers.
You’re not alone.
The truth is, parenting is hard. And parenting a child with disruptive behaviours? That can feel like trying to navigate a storm without a compass. But here’s the good news: the behaviour you're seeing isn’t the full story—and it's not the end of the story, either.
There’s a better way forward. It’s called the Positive Systems Approach (PSA), and it’s not about quick fixes or rigid control. It’s about understanding the full picture of your child’s behaviour—and using that understanding to build a healthier, more connected, and more effective path forward for both of you.
A Shift from Control to Curiosity
Let’s start with a fundamental idea: your child’s behaviour is communication.
Too often, we treat behaviour like a problem to squash. We think: Why won’t they just listen? Why can’t they behave like other kids? But PSA invites a different question: What is this behaviour trying to tell me?
When your child melts down, refuses, lashes out, or withdraws, they’re not necessarily being “bad.” They’re trying to say something they might not yet have the words for—“I’m overwhelmed,” “I’m anxious,” “I need attention,” “This is too hard,” or even, “I don’t feel safe.”
This is where PSA begins—not with discipline, but with detection. You become the detective, not the disciplinarian. Your job isn’t to punish the behaviour but to decode it. You stop reacting and start responding—with purpose, not punishment.
Environment Matters More Than You Think
Here’s another mindset shift: it’s not just about changing the child. It’s also about changing the system around them.
We’re talking about their environment—routines, noise levels, sleep patterns, emotional climate—and the way yourespond to their actions. PSA asks you to look beyond the child and examine the setting. Is it overstimulating? Unpredictable? Filled with mixed messages? Are you unintentionally rewarding the behaviours you’re trying to stop?
Something as simple as a consistent morning routine or a quiet corner in the house can change everything. You might be surprised how much better things go when the system starts to work with your child instead of against them.
Fill Their Tank—Don’t Just Wait for It to Run Dry
Let’s talk about connection—real, daily, warm, unconditional connection.
Many children who show disruptive behaviour are starving for positive attention. They’ve learned—sometimes through years of trial and error—that acting out is the fastest way to get noticed. PSA flips that script. It says: flood them with positive attention when they’re calm. Don’t wait for them to “earn” it.
This is what we call non-contingent reinforcement. It means smiling at them for no reason. Saying “I’m so glad you’re here” without it being tied to any behaviour. Creating small moments of joy, praise, and play just because. That’s how you build trust. That’s how you build motivation. That’s how you make being good feel better than acting out.
Teach, Don’t Just Punish
Often, disruptive behaviour happens because kids don’t have the tools to manage what they’re feeling. PSA recognizes that yelling, hitting, or shutting down isn’t defiance—it’s the best tool the child has at that moment.
So we teach them better ones.
Simple strategies like deep breathing, asking for help, using a feelings chart, or learning to walk away when overwhelmed can make all the difference. But they need practice. They need modeling. They need time.
This is skill-building, not behaviour management. And just like learning to tie shoes or ride a bike, it takes patience and support.
The “Ignore, Interrupt, Redirect, Reward” Dance
Here’s a strategy we love because it’s effective and compassionate.
Ignore the behaviour—not the child. Don’t fuel the fire with negative attention.
Interrupt the pattern—a calm voice, a gentle redirection.
Redirect the energy—toward something constructive or engaging.
Reward the shift—with a smile, a “thank you,” or a chance to choose the next activity.
Used consistently, this teaches kids that positive behaviour gets positive results, while negative behaviour doesn’t get the payoff they’re used to.
Zoom Out: The Past Matters, Too
A disruptive child is often a misunderstood child. PSA reminds us to look beyond the moment and ask what past experiences might be shaping what we’re seeing now.
Even small traumas—a harsh teacher, a hospital stay, a loss in the family—can create emotional echoes. And while you’re not expected to be a therapist, you are encouraged to be a curious and compassionate parent.
If your child has a history of stress or hurt, understanding that can change everything. It shifts your response from frustration to empathy—and opens the door to healing.
Parenting as a Team Sport
Here’s something every parent needs to hear: you can’t do this alone.
Consistency is key in PSA. If one parent is calm and responsive while the other leans into control and punishment, the system collapses. Kids need the same message from everyone.
So whether it’s you and a spouse, a grandparent, a babysitter, or a teacher—everyone needs to be on the same page. And just as importantly, you need support too. PSA isn’t about perfection. It’s about perseverance, self-care, and knowing when to ask for help.
This Isn’t a Quick Fix—It’s a Long-Term Investment
Here’s the bottom line: PSA doesn’t promise overnight miracles. But it does promise something more important—real, sustainable change.
It teaches your child new skills, improves emotional regulation, strengthens your relationship, and reduces stress across the family system. It turns chaotic moments into teachable ones and creates a foundation of trust that lasts.
Most of all, it reminds you that your child is not broken. They’re not a problem to be fixed. They’re a human being learning to navigate a complicated world—and you’re their guide.
Before You Go: A Word on Judgment
If you’ve ever felt like a failure as a parent, know this: seeking out new strategies doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you care. It means you’re still in the fight. And it means you’re exactly the kind of parent your child needs.
This approach doesn’t come from a place of judgment. It comes from years of experience, science, and a belief that every child—and every family—deserves a path forward that’s rooted in compassion, not criticism.
Your Next Step Starts Now
Parenting with the Positive Systems Approach isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being present, consistent, and open to learning. Whether you’re just beginning this journey or already knee-deep in the challenges, know that support is available—and change is possible.
So ask yourself: What’s one small thing you could try differently this week? One moment where you could pause, observe, and respond instead of react?
That one step may be the start of a bigger transformation—for your child and for you.
You don’t have to walk this road alone. What If It’s Not Just the Behaviour? A New Way to Parent with Positive Systems Approach is here to guide you every step of the way.
For more tools, insights, and personalized support, check out my latest book on Amazon and explore our resources for families navigating disruptive behaviour with clarity, compassion, and confidence.
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