What If It’s Not Just the Behaviour? Understanding the Causes of Disruptive Behaviour.
- drbobcarey
- 5 days ago
- 5 min read
Dr. Bob Carey
Clinical Psychologist
When you’re a parent facing frequent meltdowns, defiance, or what looks like total disregard for rules, the world offers two explanations: either the child is “bad,” or you’re not doing enough. Neither of those is helpful. Neither is true.
The real story is more layered.
Chapter One of What If It’s Not Just the Behaviour? lays the foundation for a new way of understanding disruptive behaviour—not as defiance to stamp out, but as communication to interpret. This isn’t about excusing behaviour. It’s about finally understanding it—and helping your child thrive because of that understanding.
Let’s walk through the key ideas from this chapter with the clarity and depth that families deserve.
Behaviour Is a Message, Not a Moral Failing
Every behaviour—yes, even the ones that drive you to the edge—is telling you something.
When your child screams because their toast was cut the “wrong way,” it’s not about the toast. It’s often about feeling powerless, over-stimulated, or disconnected. But if we treat it like bad behaviour that needs punishing, we miss the message entirely—and worse, we shut down a child who's already overwhelmed.
The PSA framework starts here: behaviour is communication. That shift alone is transformative. It doesn’t mean you allow the screaming—but it means you stop viewing your child as willfully disobedient and start seeing them as someone struggling to express or manage what they feel.
Once you stop reacting to the noise and start listening to the message, parenting becomes less about control and more about connection.
Kids Aren’t Broken—Systems Are
Too often, children are treated as problems to fix—when the systems around them are what need attention. Disruptive behaviour doesn’t exist in isolation. It’s shaped by a constellation of factors, including family stress, school environments, and neurological differences.
Let’s say a child has ADHD. The issue isn’t just that they can’t sit still. It’s that the systems around them often aren’t built for brains that crave movement, novelty, or stimulation. Or consider a child with emotional trauma—they may have learned that acting out gets a faster response than calmly asking for help.
PSA teaches us to widen the lens. Instead of focusing on the child as the sole issue, it asks: Is the system setting them up for success or failure?
This systemic view doesn’t let kids off the hook. It just makes sure we’re holding the right people accountable—including ourselves, our environments, and our expectations.
It’s Not Just at Home—Peers and Culture Matter Too
Behaviour shifts in different environments, and peer influence plays a huge role—especially as kids get older. A child who’s respectful at home may become defiant at school, or vice versa, depending on who’s watching and how their actions are reinforced.
Peers can act as accelerants or dampeners. If your child gets laughs when they’re disruptive, the behaviour sticks. If they’re surrounded by kids who model emotional regulation and cooperation, they’re more likely to follow suit.
Culture adds another layer. What’s considered respectful or “normal” in one family may look disruptive in another. PSA honors that complexity. It reminds us that behaviour can’t be judged fairly without understanding the cultural and social backdrop it’s emerging from.
Emotional Overload Looks Like “Bad Behaviour”
Ever seen your child go from fine to full-blown meltdown in 60 seconds? That’s emotional dysregulation at work—and it’s more common than most people realize.
Children aren’t born knowing how to manage big feelings like disappointment, frustration, or shame. Their ability to regulate emotions depends on co-regulation—seeing how we handle our own feelings and learning through repetition. If we meet their meltdown with our own, we escalate. But if we stay calm and connected, we model a better path.
PSA recognizes that many disruptive behaviours are stress responses. The child’s nervous system is overwhelmed, and they don’t yet have the skills to cope. Instead of yelling back, we ask: What support does this child need right now? It might be a calm space. A trusted adult. Or simply time.
Regulation is teachable. But it has to be taught from the inside out—not demanded from the outside in.
Executive Function and the “Invisible” Struggle
Executive functioning—the ability to plan, focus, remember instructions, and control impulses—is like the air traffic control system of the brain. And for many kids, that system is under construction.
When your child forgets what you asked them to do, leaves tasks unfinished, or repeats a misstep they “should” know better than to make, it might not be defiance. It might be that their brain isn’t yet wired to do what you’re asking.
This is especially true for kids with ADHD, learning differences, or trauma. PSA treats executive functioning challenges as skill deficits, not character flaws. That means offering scaffolding—like visual checklists, smaller tasks, or prompts—and viewing setbacks as part of the learning curve.
When we assume “they won’t,” we punish. When we understand “they can’t—yet,” we support.
Behaviour Through a Developmental Lens
A five-year-old throwing themselves on the floor is developmentally expected. A twelve-year-old doing the same might raise eyebrows. But even then, we need to ask: What’s going on beneath the surface?
Developmental stages matter. A toddler’s brain is wired for immediate gratification. A teenager’s brain is a chaos of identity formation and peer orientation. PSA emphasizes that effective parenting is responsive to where a child is developmentally—not just chronologically.
This means adjusting expectations, supports, and strategies depending on age, maturity, and context. It’s not about being permissive. It’s about being developmentally smart.
Risk and Resilience—Two Sides of the Same Coin
Some children carry heavy histories—trauma, instability, loss. Others face daily stressors like food insecurity, unsafe neighborhoods, or systemic bias. These factors increase the risk of disruptive behaviour not because children are broken, but because their nervous systems are under siege.
But risk isn’t destiny. Protective factors—like a stable adult relationship, access to mental health care, or meaningful peer connection—can shift outcomes dramatically.
The PSA framework asks us to identify both the risks and the resources. What’s working in the child’s world? Who do they trust? What brings them joy, even briefly?
When we know where the cracks are and where the light shines in, we can build strategies that are realistic and rooted in both empathy and evidence.
So What Now?
You’ve read this far because you care. Because you want more for your child—and yourself—than endless power struggles and guilt. Here’s the good news:
You don’t have to fix everything overnight. You don’t need a perfect plan. You just need to start asking different questions.
The Positive Systems Approach gives you the tools to:
Decode the meaning behind behaviour
Adjust the environment to reduce triggers
Teach new skills instead of punishing old ones
Build trust and emotional safety that lasts
This is not about being a perfect parent. It’s about becoming a more intentional one. And that starts with the question at the heart of PSA:
What if it’s not just the behaviour?
Because the answer could change everything.
For resources, downloads, and personalized guidance, check out my new book on Amazon. Click here:
Download this handy Reflection Worksheet to help you better understand the nature of disruptive behaviour:
Reflection Worksheet
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