When One Child Struggles, the Whole Family Feels It: The Ripple Effect of Disruptive Behaviour at Home
- drbobcarey
- 13 minutes ago
- 11 min read
When a child’s behaviour becomes disruptive—meltdowns, defiance, aggression—it doesn’t just create stress for that moment. It disrupts the rhythm of the entire household. But here’s the thing most parenting books miss: that behaviour is rarely just “bad behaviour.” It’s a message. And unless we understand what it’s saying, we’ll stay stuck reacting instead of responding.
At the heart of the Positive Systems Approach (PSA) is this key insight: behaviour happens within a system. And if we want to help the child, we have to support the whole system—especially the family.
It’s Not Just the Child—It’s the System
Traditional approaches often zero in on the child’s actions: stop the tantrum, fix the attitude, reward the calm. But in reality, behaviour is relational. It affects and is affected by every member of the household.
If your child’s behaviour feels like a ticking time bomb, here’s how it might already be impacting your family:
1. Parental Stress Hits the Red Zone
Constant outbursts can leave you emotionally depleted. Over time, this builds frustration, resentment, even burnout. You may start second-guessing your instincts or reacting with more anger than you’d like.
2. Siblings Feel the Strain
When one child requires most of the attention, siblings can feel pushed aside. They might withdraw to avoid the chaos—or act out themselves just to be seen.
3. Co-Parenting Becomes a Minefield
Disagreements over how to respond to disruptive behaviour can drive a wedge between partners. One parent may lean strict, the other more permissive, leaving everyone confused and out of sync.
4. Family Routines Break Down
Simple moments—like bedtime, dinner, or leaving the house—turn into high-stress battles. The entire family ends up revolving around the child’s unpredictable moods.
Sound familiar? You're not alone—and you're not failing. You're navigating a system under stress. That’s why we need to shift from crisis control to systems thinking.
The PSA Way: Shift the Focus from Fixing the Child to Strengthening the Family
Rather than isolate the “problem child,” the Positive Systems Approach looks at the full family system. It’s not about blame—it’s about connection, clarity, and consistent support.
Here’s what that looks like in real life:
✅ Behaviour as Communication
When children act out, it’s easy to label them as difficult, disrespectful, or defiant. But what if that behaviour is actually a message?
In the Positive Systems Approach, we view behaviour as a form of communication — especially when a child doesn’t have the skills, words, or self-regulation to express what they need or feel.
🔍 Think of it like this:
Just like adults may slam a door when angry or cry when overwhelmed, kids use behaviour to signal something that’s happening under the surface. They may not say:
"I’m anxious because school feels overwhelming."
But they might show it by:
Refusing to go, melting down over breakfast, or dragging their feet every morning.
🧠 What Behaviour Might Be Saying
Here are common examples of behaviours and what they might really mean:
Behaviour | Possible Communication |
Screaming when asked to stop playing | "I’m not ready to stop!" or "I need more control over my world." |
Throwing things when doing homework | "This is too hard for me," or "I’m scared to fail." |
Hitting a sibling | "I’m jealous," or "I don’t know how to ask for space." |
Refusing to follow directions | "I need more connection," or "I feel powerless." |
Excessive clinginess or whining | "I’m feeling insecure," or "I need reassurance." |
Download: Behaviour as Communication Reflexion Exercise:
✅ Consistency Over Chaos
When discipline is unpredictable, it fuels anxiety and resistance. PSA helps families create clear expectations, steady routines, and shared responses across caregivers. Kids feel safer when the rules are clear—and consistently applied.
Children thrive on predictability. When rules, routines, and adult responses are inconsistent, kids often feel anxious, unsafe, or out of control. And in that emotional fog, behaviour can spiral—not because they’re “acting out” on purpose, but because their environment is unpredictable.
Consistency doesn’t mean being strict or robotic.
It means your child can reasonably anticipate:
What the expectations are
How you’ll respond
What comes next
That sense of security lowers anxiety, improves behaviour, and builds trust.
🔁 Real-World Examples: Inconsistent vs. Consistent Parenting
Inconsistent | Consistent |
Some days bedtime is at 8, other days it's whenever. | Bedtime starts at 7:45 every night—even on weekends. |
Sometimes hitting leads to a consequence, other times it’s ignored. | Hitting always leads to a calm time-in and a teaching moment. |
One day you yell, the next day you’re patient. | You commit to a steady tone, even when frustrated. |
Daily routines change based on mood or chaos. | A visible schedule helps your child know what’s coming next. |
💡 PSA Insight:
Consistency is more about the predictability of your actions than it is about having rigid rules. Even small, repeated patterns of consistency help a child feel more secure.
Download: Consistency Reflection Exercise:
✅ Collaborate, Don’t Command
When a child is melting down, refusing to listen, or pushing back on every request, it’s easy to fall into command mode:
“Stop it now!”
“Because I said so!”
“Go to your room!”
These commands may shut things down temporarily—but they don’t build skills, trust, or cooperation. Over time, they can escalate power struggles and damage connection.
The Positive Systems Approach invites a shift from controlling to collaborating. When we treat kids as partners in the process, not problems to solve, we help them build self-awareness, problem-solving skills, and emotional regulation.
💡 Why Collaboration Works
It invites buy-in. When kids help make a plan, they’re more likely to follow it.
It strengthens connection. Collaboration says, “We’re on the same team.”
It builds skills. Kids learn to reflect, take responsibility, and make better choices next time.
It reduces shame. You move from punishment to problem-solving.
🧠 Real-World Example
🚫 Command Approach:
Parent: “Clean up your mess right now or no screen time!”
Child: “NO! You’re always so mean!” (cue meltdown)
Outcome: Resistance, power struggle, no cleanup, everyone upset.
✅ Collaborative Approach:
Parent: “Hey, I see toys are still all over the floor. Want to work together for 5 minutes to clean it up, then you can have screen time?”
Child: “Ugh... okay.”
Parent: “Want to set a timer or pick a song to race the cleanup?”
Outcome: Buy-in. Progress. Calmer tone. Skill-building.
🔄 Other Command vs. Collaborate Comparisons
Command | Collaborate |
“Go to bed now!” | “Your body looks tired. Want to brush teeth first or pick pajamas first?” |
“Stop yelling!” | “You’re really upset—let’s figure out a better way to show it together.” |
“Eat your dinner or go to bed hungry.” | “What’s one thing on your plate you’ll start with? Want to take turns?” |
“You’re grounded for talking back.” | “Let’s talk about what was behind that outburst. How could we handle it differently next time?” |
🧩 Tools for Collaborative Parenting
Choice within structure
Give kids limited, safe options to pick from.
“We need to leave in 10 minutes. Hoodie or jacket?”
Make plans together
When kids know what’s coming and help shape it, they’re more likely to go along.
“How do you want your morning routine to go so we don’t rush?”
Problem-solve after the storm
Wait until the heat has passed, then reflect.
“Yesterday got hard. What could we both try next time to make it smoother?”
Use language of partnership
“Let’s figure this out together.”
“How can we solve this as a team?”
📝 Collaborative Mindset Shift (for parents)
From This… | To This… |
“My job is to make my child obey.” | “My job is to help my child learn how to self-regulate and choose wisely.” |
“They need to respect me.” | “I’ll model respect to teach respect.” |
“They’re testing me.” | “They’re struggling and asking for guidance the only way they know how.” |
🔄 Want to Try This Today?
Choose one command you often give.
Reframe it into a collaborative prompt.
✏️ Instead of: “Do your homework now!”
Try: “Want to knock out math or reading first? I’ll sit with you for 10.”
✏️ Instead of: “You’re being rude!”
Try: “That sounded hurt. Want to try again with different words?”
✅ Rebuild Relationships
Because Connection Comes Before Correction
Underneath the tension, connection matters most. PSA encourages “positive floods”—intentional moments of praise, affection, and joy that aren’t tied to behaviour.
The more connected your child feels, the less they need to act out to get your attention.
When behaviour becomes the focus, relationships often take a back seat. Over time, constant power struggles, yelling, and conflict can erode the parent-child bond — even when both sides are doing their best.
In the Positive Systems Approach (PSA), rebuilding and maintaining connection isn’t something extra — it’s foundational. Because here’s the truth:Children don’t follow rules out of fear — they follow you because of relationship.
When they feel safe, seen, and valued, their nervous systems settle. They cooperate more. They become more open to guidance and less reactive to correction.
🚧 What Erodes the Parent-Child Relationship?
· Constant criticism or correction
· Lack of one-on-one time
· Emotional distance from repeated conflict
· Shame-based discipline ("What’s wrong with you?")
· Parents in burnout mode who have nothing left to give
Even if love is strong, the felt sense of connection can fade.
But the good news is: it’s repairable. And it doesn’t take grand gestures — just intentional, consistent moments of connection.
🔧 Rebuilding Tools from PSA
1. Positive Flooding
Intentionally “flood” your child with positive attention that’s NOT tied to behaviour.
· Smile when they walk into the room
· Ask about their favorite game or character
· Sit next to them without your phone and just be
· Compliment something you notice:
“You’re really creative with those Legos.”“I love seeing how hard you’re working.”
These moments refill the emotional bank account.
2. Rupture & Repair
Conflict is inevitable — but repair builds trust.Instead of pretending things are fine, name it and reconnect.
“I didn’t handle that well earlier. I got loud, and I’m sorry. Let’s try again.”
This models accountability and teaches your child how to mend relationships.
3. One-on-One Time
Schedule even 10–15 minutes a day (or a few times a week) of time that belongs to your child.
Let them choose the activity. No screens. No lectures. No multitasking. Just presence.
"This is our special time. What do you want to do?"
You’ll see fewer behaviour issues simply because the emotional needs are being met proactively.
4. Connection Before Correction
Before issuing consequences or correction, try connecting first:
· Validate what they feel
· Share your calm
· Invite them into the solution
“You’re frustrated — that makes sense. Let’s figure this out together.”
When kids feel heard, they’re more likely to hear you.
🧠 Real-World Examples
Common Scenario | Disconnected Response | Rebuilding Response |
Child is yelling after school | “Go to your room until you can calm down.” | “Rough day? Come sit with me. Want to talk or just chill together?” |
Child ignores a request | “You never listen!” | “I know transitions are tough. What would help you get started right now?” |
Teen slams door after argument | “You’re grounded for that attitude!” | Later: “Let’s talk about what happened earlier. I want to understand.” |
💬 Connection Statements to Use More Often
· “I’m really glad you’re here.”
· “It’s okay to feel big feelings. I’ve got you.”
· “I believe in you — even when it’s hard.”
· “Let’s take a break together.”
· “Nothing you do will ever make me stop loving you.”
✅ PSA Bottom Line:
Connection isn’t a reward for “good behaviour.” It’s the foundation that makes good behaviour possible.
When a child’s behaviour is challenging, that’s not the time to withhold love — that’s when they need it most.
Even small efforts to rebuild the bond can make a massive difference in reducing resistance, improving trust, and bringing more calm into the home.
Download: Parent Friendly Fridge Chart:
Parent Self-Care: You Can’t Pour from an Empty Cup
Nurturing Yourself to Nurture Your Child
It’s not just your child who needs support—you do too. Parenting is a journey filled with wonder and challenge, yet so often, parents become the invisible backbone of their families, pushing their own needs aside. The reality is, when we’re perpetually stuck in daily survival mode, running on empty, we have little energy left for thoughtful, strategic parenting. That’s why PSA emphasizes parental self-care as a core part of the system. Prioritizing your own well-being is not a luxury—it’s a necessity for both you and your child.
What does parent self-care look like in practice? It can be woven into everyday moments, starting with these essential principles:
Taking Breaks Without Guilt
So many parents feel a pang of guilt at the idea of stepping away, even momentarily, from their children. But rest is not a weakness—it’s an act of strength and self-respect. Giving yourself permission to pause, breathe, and recharge is vital. Whether it’s sitting quietly with a cup of tea, enjoying a brief walk, or simply closing your eyes for a moment, these pauses help restore your reserves. Remember, a rested parent is better equipped to respond with patience and empathy, and your child learns by example that self-care is both normal and necessary.
Asking for Help
Parenting is not meant to be a solo endeavor. Reaching out for support, whether it’s from a partner, family member, friend, or professional, is not a sign of failure. It’s a sign of wisdom. Building and leaning on your support network can help lighten the load and provide much-needed perspective. When you ask for help, you model collaboration and resilience for your child, showing that everyone needs support sometimes—and that’s okay.
Letting Go of Perfection
The myth of the perfect parent is persistent, but it’s just that—a myth. No one can do it all, all the time. By letting go of unrealistic expectations and embracing imperfection, parents create space for growth, learning, and authentic connection. Mistakes are inevitable, and how we recover from them matters more than avoiding them altogether. Giving yourself grace in the face of daily challenges fosters a more compassionate and creative home environment for everyone.
Celebrating Small Wins
Parenting is made up of countless small victories—some so quiet they may go unnoticed. Did you manage a difficult transition more smoothly today? Did your child share a laugh with you, or did you find five minutes to yourself? These moments matter. Taking time to recognize and celebrate them nurtures gratitude and joy in family life. Small wins, collectively, build the confidence and resilience needed for the bigger challenges ahead.
· Remember: your self-care isn’t selfish, it’s strategic. When you nurture yourself, you’re investing in your ability to nurture your child.
· Self-care is the foundation of patient, loving, and effective parenting.
By honoring your own needs, you create a more balanced and harmonious home. When you thrive, your child thrives too. So, let self-care be part of your parenting philosophy, woven into the fabric of everyday life—not as an afterthought, but as an ongoing commitment to yourself and to those you love most.
Tools You Can Try This Week
If this feels like a lot, start small. Try one of these low-effort, high-impact ideas:
🗓 Hold a 10-minute family check-in — Let each member (even the little ones) share a high/low from their day.
💬 Shift one “Why did you do that?!” moment into “What were you feeling just then?”
🎯 Pick one routine to stabilize — bedtime, morning prep, mealtime. Set a clear flow and stick with it for a week.
🎉 Catch your child doing something right and praise it. The more you name the good stuff, the more it grows.
The Bottom Line
You don’t need to be a perfect parent. You need to be a system-aware parent.
When we understand that behaviour is shaped by the system, we stop blaming and start rebuilding—from the inside out.
If you’re in a cycle of constant conflict, PSA gives you a way out—not by controlling your child more, but by strengthening the family system that surrounds them.
Because when the system heals, behaviour improves—and everyone in the family breathes a little easier.
Want to dig deeper? Check out my latest book on Amazon: What If It’s Not Just the Behaviour? A New Way to Parent with a Positive Systems Approach
…. And stay tuned for my next blog, where we’ll unpack the core components of the Positive Systems Approach and how to put them to work in your everyday parenting life.
Download: Reflection Sheet: When One Child Struggles, The Whole Family Feels It
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