What About the Systems Part of Positive Systems Approach

3.      Triangulation: The Karpman "Drama Triangle"; "Let's you and him [her] fight" (Berne, "Games People Play", 1982); "Divide to Conquer"

Triangulation refers to a commonly observed phenomenon involving at a minimum 3 people, (thus the term). One of the three persons attempts to downgrade the reputation or influence of a third person by threat of exclusion or manipulation, involving the second person, and indirect communication, usually behind the third person’s back. It makes use of the power of uncertainty and the sowing of doubt (similar to “gaslighting”, discussed in the second blog in this series). Person 2 usually doesn’t know of the conversations between persons 1 and 3 – and therefore cannot supply clarifying or corrective information, to disprove what persons 1 and 3 are communicating, or to “defend” her/himself. It is thus a strategy to “divide and conquer”. The term is referred to even when there is a group larger than three people involved. Other terms that may be used for larger groups are “shunning”, “excluding”, "being divisive", “smearing”, “slandering”, “maligning”, “vilifying”, or “falsely discrediting”. It is a distortion of power used to obtain advantage or to deliberately disadvantage another, mostly without full accountability. Because it often uses indirect means of communication, it can involve very creative tactics to make drama, hostile environments, inducements and coercive elements, and other subtle means of influence. It creates in the target individual a reputation as “unwanted”, “unwelcome”, “undesirable”, or worse – like “evil”, “dangerous”, or the proverbial “bogeyman”.

The phenomenon of “triangulation” has been studied in psychology, and has produced a body of work that is often referred to by the name of its author, Stephen B. Karpman (1968). The “Karpman Drama Triangle” is shown here:

The “roles” are known to “rotate”, i.e. the same person can be “assigned” or “assume” any or all of the three roles over time (but not usually more than one of the roles at a time).

Eric Berne (1982) in his book “Games People Play” presented a slight twist on the general triangulation theme. In his “game”, Berne spoke of it as a sexual game involving two men and a woman, where the woman gets the two men to fight with each other. But triangulation can involve many of the same dynamics where the game isn’t sexual, and the sexes are not even necessarily involved, i.e. it can involve three women, three men, or any combination. It is essentially a series of manoeuvres by which one party manipulates another of the party to act out against a third (or subsequent) party.

Triangulation invokes indirect and often unclear, or even non-verbal communications by a variety of means, to influence another party. Other communication “tricks” can also be used, such as gaslighting, deliberate omission of critical information, lying, deception, and so on.

Ways to discourage triangulation include:

• Requiring people to be precise in their speech, and tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth as much as possible.

• Requiring direct communication – discouraging people from acting on information that comes from a source other than the original source – make sure people speak directly to each other rather than using a “third party” as a “go-between”.

• Pointing out “triangulation” when it is occurring and clarifying before going into action on the basis of information that has questionable verity.

• Meeting as a group, putting all available information on the table, when dealing with conflict or complex situations. Then, as a group, coming to a conclusion and planning any after-actions.

• Ensuring the commitment of all parties and following up to ensure that all parties continue to hold to the group’s conclusion and/or decision.

Don’t accept one of the Karpman triangle roles automatically – help other members step back from the triangle and adopt healthier coping strategies (see below).

Specific Guidelines for Playing VRP Roles	vs.	How to be a Grown Up
Creating drama and chaos	vs.	Solving problems
Dodging, deflecting, and blaming others	vs.	Taking on responsibilities
Denial/pretending	vs.	Honestly facing painful situations
Making excuses and instigating bad boundaries	vs.	Maintaining boundaries to have true respect for others
Ignoring damage that has been done and pretending it has nothing to do with you	vs.	Making amends and recognizing consequences
Maintaining your illusions at all costs	vs.	Having the courage to become more self aware
Giving yourself too much respect (narcissists) or too little respect (martyrs)	vs.	Balancing both respect for others and yourself
Letting drama rule	vs.	Letting integrity/character rule
“I know what’s best for both of us”	vs.	No one has a market on truth-it always lies in between people
Creating doubt in the other person	vs.	Seeing what hard truths the other person may have to teach you
Assuming others are there to be an audience	vs.	Realizing what happens between people is unknown, not orchestrated
Thinking in simple terms of Right/Wrong, Good/Bad	vs.	Recognizing complexity
Manipulating others, which is a shell game that ends up hollow	vs.	Using your heart and head together to be more emotionally honest with others
Trying to have it both ways	vs.	Facing sacrifice
Taking the easy way	vs.	Knowing the right thing to do is the hard thing to do
Monologue	vs.	Dialogue
Short-term thinking	vs.	Long-term thinking
Manipulating/Controlling	vs.	Negotiating

To Leave being a “Victim” in the Karpman Triangle:

• Take responsibility for the things that are happening to you, or involving you, and the choices you make accordingly.

• Refuse to engage in the “blame game”.

• Be open to, and willing to receive feedback, even criticism or advice.

• Develop and activate appropriate boundaries, and assertiveness.

• Recognize that you are playing this role, in a “Triangle”.

To Leave being a “Rescuer” in the Karpman Triangle:

• Use Active Listening, and develop staying silent while a story is being told.

• Never do for anyone, something that they can do for themselves.

• Develop capacities to compromise, negotiate informed consent and agreement.

• Lose the “Winners and Losers” categorical thinking error.

• Develop and activate appropriate boundaries, and assertiveness.

• Recognize that you are playing this role, in a “Triangle”.

To Leave being a “Persecutor” in the Karpman Triangle:

• Practice kindness at all times.

• Develop capacities to compromise, negotiate informed consent and agreement.

• Use Active Listening, develop staying silent and judgment-free while a story is being told.

• Remember that unless you are duly authorized to judge situations, you are not entitled to issue any judgments.

• Recognize that you are playing this role, in a “Triangle”.

Advice from reliable sources that argue FOR accepting the role of rescuer (or perhaps persecutor) – from Elie Wiesel: “I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.”

This serves, of course, to illustrate the complexity of “Triangulation” – sometimes such alliances serve the good, and sometimes not. The key is always to expose the “triangle” to analysis, transparently and openly, so that it may be either advanced, diminished, or left to be.

Next up: To Be Determined - send a note to suggest topics for future blogs.