Why Fixing Your Child’s Behaviour Doesn’t Work Without Fixing the System Around Them

Meta Description:Discover why focusing only on your child’s behaviour rarely works—and how systems thinking in parenting can create lasting change. Learn practical steps to fix the system, not just the symptoms.

Target Keywords:systems thinking in parenting, behaviour change in children, parenting systems approach, positive systems approach, fix child behaviour

Introduction:

When a child’s behaviour becomes challenging—whether it’s meltdowns, defiance, or constant arguments—our first instinct is often to zero in on the behaviour itself. We look for quick fixes: a stricter consequence, a new reward chart, a stern talk, or maybe a parenting tip we found online.

Sometimes, those tactics work for a while. But if you’ve ever had the frustrating experience of a behaviour disappearing briefly only to come back (or pop up in a new form), you’ve probably run into this truth: behaviour doesn’t happen in isolation.

If you want lasting change, you can’t just change the child—you have to change the system around them.

What Is “The System” in Parenting?

When I talk about the system, I’m not talking about government programs or school policies (though those matter, too). I’m talking about the everyday network that surrounds your child:

• Your home environment

• Daily routines and transitions

• Relationships and communication styles

• Expectations and rules

• Emotional climate in the family

• Support from extended family, school, and community

All of these pieces work together—whether intentionally or not—to shape how your child behaves. Systems thinking in parenting means stepping back, looking at the whole picture, and asking:

“What in this environment is making it easier—or harder—for my child to succeed?”

Why Behaviour-Only Fixes Fall Short

Imagine your child’s behaviour as the tip of an iceberg. What you see—outbursts, refusal, avoidance—is just the part above the water. Below the surface are factors like stress, skill gaps, emotional needs, sensory triggers, or inconsistent expectations.

When you focus only on the visible part, you miss the forces underneath that keep pushing the behaviour back up. Without addressing those forces, you’re essentially bailing water from a leaky boat without patching the hole.

Systems Thinking in Action: Real-Life Parenting Shifts

Here’s how shifting your focus from fixing the child to adjusting the system can create breakthroughs:

1. Tuning the Environment

Sometimes, a child’s behaviour is amplified by surroundings they can’t manage—too much noise, unclear routines, or overstimulation. Small tweaks like predictable daily routines and calm-down spaces can dramatically reduce blowups.

Example:If mornings are chaos, a visual checklist by the door and preparing clothes the night before can reduce stress for everyone.

2. Strengthening Relationships First

A child who feels emotionally disconnected is more likely to test limits to get attention—even if it’s negative. Systems thinking puts relationship repair ahead of rules. This means carving out daily, positive, non-contingent time together (time not tied to behaviour performance).

3. Consistent Responses Across Caregivers

Mixed messages between parents, grandparents, and teachers create confusion. Systems thinking emphasizes team alignment—so your child knows the expectations, and those expectations don’t change depending on who’s in charge.

4. Skill-Building Instead of Just Stopping Behaviour

Every disruptive behaviour is a solution the child has found to meet a need (even if it’s not a good solution). The system should teach better solutions—like how to understand the ‘why’ behind your child’s behaviour, manage frustration, or handle disappointment—rather than simply punishing the old ones.

5. Seeing Patterns, Not Just Incidents

Systems thinking treats each behaviour as data. When you step back and look at when and where challenges happen most, you can spot patterns and make targeted changes to the routine or environment instead of reacting in the moment.

Your Next Step

If your child’s behaviour challenges have left you feeling stuck, here’s a practical way to apply systems thinking at home. It’s simple, but it works best when you do it consistently.

1. Identify One Recurring Challenge

Don’t try to fix everything at once. Choose one behaviour that happens regularly and has the biggest impact on your stress or your child’s day.

Example:Your 8-year-old resists starting homework every single afternoon. It turns into a 30-minute battle—stalling, arguing, maybe even a few tears.

Why this step matters:Focusing on just one challenge helps you spot patterns and test changes without feeling overwhelmed. It’s like choosing one leak in the boat to patch first.

Use my free Parent Reflection Worksheet to get a clear picture of your current parenting landscape.

PSA_Parent_Reflection_Worksheet.pdf

Download PDF • 45KB

2. Map the System Around It

Look beyond the behaviour and write down all the moving parts that could be influencing it. Include:

• Environment: Is the space cluttered, noisy, or distracting?

• Timing: Does this happen after school when your child is tired and hungry?

• Transitions: Are they jumping straight from a preferred activity (video games) to a non-preferred one (homework)?

• Your Responses: Do you argue, bribe, threaten, or plead?

• Skills: Does your child know how to get started on their own? Do they understand the directions?

• Other Influences: Is there stress from school, peer conflict, or fatigue playing a role?

Example – Homework Resistance:

• Environment: TV on in the background, sibling playing loudly in the same room.

• Timing: Immediately after arriving home from school—child is hungry.

• Transition: Rushed from the car straight to the table.

• Your Response: Repeated reminders escalate into frustration.

• Skills: Child has trouble organizing materials and starting independently.

3. Change One Part of That System

Rather than trying to overhaul everything, pick one variable you can adjust right away and test it for a week or two.

Examples – Homework Resistance:

• Environment Change: Set up a quiet “homework nook” away from distractions, stocked with supplies so they don’t have to get up.

• Timing Change: Let them have a 20-minute snack-and-relaxation break before homework.

• Transition Change: Use strategies for reducing conflict during transitions, such as a visual timer and countdown warnings.

• Skill Support: Start the first problem together to give them momentum.

• Response Change: Replace nagging with a single prompt and then praise when they start without a fight.

Why this works:When you change part of the system—whether it’s the environment, timing, or support—you’re not just reacting to the behaviour. You’re reshaping the conditions that make that behaviour likely in the first place. Even small changes can create surprising improvements.

Want to see how this looks in real life? Explore my real-life case studies using the PSA.

Parenting with Systems Thinking – FAQ

1. What is systems thinking in parenting?Systems thinking in parenting is the practice of looking at your child’s behaviour in the context of their environment, relationships, routines, and support systems. Instead of focusing only on stopping the behaviour, you adjust the surrounding system so positive behaviour is easier to maintain.

2. Why doesn’t focusing only on behaviour work?Focusing only on behaviour addresses symptoms, not causes. Without changing the environment, routines, and responses that drive the behaviour, it often returns or shifts into another form.

3. How can I identify the “system” affecting my child’s behaviour?List everything connected to the situation: home setup, daily routines, your child’s skills, transitions, your responses, and other stressors. Patterns often reveal what’s making the behaviour better or worse.

4. What’s the first step to changing a parenting system?Pick one recurring challenge, map all the factors influencing it, and change one part of that system—such as the environment, timing, or skill support—before trying to address everything at once.

5. Can small changes really improve my child’s behaviour?Yes. Even small adjustments, like creating a quiet homework area or using a countdown before transitions, can reduce conflict and improve cooperation over time.

6. How does the Positive Systems Approach fit into this?The Positive Systems Approach (PSA) applies systems thinking to parenting by focusing on understanding the “why” behind behaviour, making environmental adjustments, and building skills instead of relying solely on consequences.

Bottom line:Lasting behaviour change isn’t about finding the perfect consequence—it’s about creating the conditions where the behaviour you want has the best chance to thrive. When you fix the system, you make it easier for your child to succeed without constant conflict.

And that’s a win for everyone in the family.